My Life. My Words.

What Would You Do?

2009-11-20T17:35:00.001-05:00

Friendships are interesting dynamics. Sometimes you have friends for life, though you have your ups and downs. Sometimes you have friends that you meet later in life and wonder - where've you been all this time!? Then there are friends are end up being more toxic than beneficial. And then, there are just times when friends show themselves to be something they are not.

I have a friend who is just not being a friend who I've mentioned before. There one who committed to being my maid of honor and then decided to have her wedding three weeks before my wedding? Did I mention that she was offended that I inquired as to her ability to uphold her prior commitment in the same email where I congratulated her on finding the venue of her choice for her wedding? Ok, fine, so you're offended. That was not the intention, so I apologized, yet she refuses to acknowledge any form of communication. The one time where she initiated a plan to talk, there was an ulterior motive, AND she fell asleep, so there was no talking to be done. Reschedule? Nah, let's just blow off someone who I made a prior commitment to for a huge event and be done with it. Really? That's how you do your friends?

At this point, I'm over it. I've pretty much decided how I am going to handle the situation moving forward. But what I don't understand is how can you claim to be someone who will talk your differences out with a friend and then act completely inopposite of that? And to be this way with such a huge event coming up. It baffles my mind. It really does.

A New Experience - Part 2

2009-10-01T18:30:00.001-04:00

Ok, so after Cooperstown, my other half and I went off driving further north to Bennington, Vermont. It was a warm, sunny afternoon - the perfect weather for driving. The route we took was windy and twisty, full of amazing views.

After we'd been driving for a bit, it felt like we were on the road to nowhere. To be honest, there were times when I doubted my co-piloting skills. Signage is not as prevalent there as I am accustomed. Then, I saw this from a distance:
This is the Bennington Battle Monument. It is absolutely stunning. Quite frankly it's huge. Such a sight to see along with the tops of the greenest trees that had just a little touch of red at the tops.

Soon, we come across this quaint looking place:

It is set back from the road just a bit with a stone wall in front. I see a sign . . . it says Four Chimneys Inn. THIS is where we stayed during our visit. It may not look like much . . . but let me just say - there is much land surrounding it, the front porch has a sitting area which provided a nice place for me and my other half to relax and read, the people were just so nice. Our room was gorgeous. It faced the front lawn, 7-bay window and it had a fireplace. I'll admit I am a traditional fireplace kinda gal, but for the chilly late night and early morning temperatures, the fireplace kept me nice and toasty. A touch of brilliancy from the decorator had the television tucked away in a little alcove hidden by a picture. You had to swing the picture to the left to see the television. This definitely prompted enjoying our surroundings and the quiet.

After we settled into the room, we took a break from the driving and did exactly what you're supposed to do at a bed and breakfast - we relaxed and enjoyed our surroundings. We indulged for dinner and had pure decadence. Well worth it after a day's drive.

The next morning we set off driving. We drove through Bennington and then went on the most incredibly scenic drive. We headed north along the east side of the Green Mountain National Forest. How amazing it must be during skiing season. Judging by the lodges and shops, that area gets quite the number of skiers. When we were there . . . there was no one. No matter. During our drive, we stopped at a campground and ate lunch to the sounds of nature. Our drive back was south along the west side of the Green Mountain National Forest. Simply stunning.

To cap off the afternoon/evening . . . we went on a moose hunt. Here's some background information on the moose in Bennington: http://www.benningtonmoosefest.com/about.html. We asked the proprietor of the Four Chimneys Inn because I was so curious as to the moose that I saw throughout town. Once I heard they were spread out through the town, I just had to go on a moose hunt and take pictures. While I don't have the pictures downloaded from my camera yet, here are two of the moose that I was able to snap pictures of:

Day at the Office Moose

Santa Moose

The next day we sadly packed up our bags. Both my other half and I acknowledged that we could have stayed there for at least a week or two. I think we plan on going back next year. We'll have to remember to bring the coffee press. For whatever reason, we couldn't get a strong cup of coffee to save our lives while we were in Vermont. And shock of all shockers - there wasn't a Starbucks anywhere in town. I have to say that it was kind of nice that it was a simple place that didn't feel like it had to give in to all the latest trends.

On our drive home, my other half surprised me and we detoured to Albany, NY. This was sweet for two reasons: he knew I really wanted to see the Egg and Albany is the first place that we travelled to together. The Egg is such a sight to see as one drives into Albany a particular way:

How I spent my summer vacation. The end.

Friends - they come and go

2009-09-29T17:58:00.000-04:00

Over the past year or so, things have changed in ways I would have never expected - some of my friendships or lack thereof.

I no longer speak to a gal who was once my closest and dearest friend for over five years. What happened? Well, it was a culmination of things . . . the last being the amount of disrespect she showed the last time she was in my home. That on top of the fact that she could not muster enough courtesy to be civil to the man who is now my other half. The day I told her we were thinking of going to Vegas (which we subsequently did), she said NOTHING. Who says nothing when the gal they say is like a sister is about to embark on the most wonderful journey ever with another human being? Who says nothing when her best gal pal is happier than ever? Who? Well, that would be my old best friend. Like I said, there were things that led up to my deciding the friendship could not continue the way it had been going, but I didn't think the final result would be no longer speaking to her. It was downright embarassing how she was towards my now other half, and he said nothing. He did all he could to show kindness and warmth towards her. He never made me choose. In a weird way, she is the one who forced my decision. At the time when I just couldn't take it any more, I ceased to speak with her. I had no energy for her or our friendship. It felt like she was taking and taking and being incredibly selfish. Things that once helped us no longer helped me and I just wanted to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And, well, quite frankly, it's insulting for someone who is supposed to be my best friend to tell me that it's time for me it's been long enough since my mother's death and it's time to get over it. Not to mention it was just offensive to me when she has shown she has no sense of loyalty to her friends when she expects such loyalty to her. While there are times when I miss her as a part of my life, I truly do not miss the drama that came along with having her in my life.

Then, I don't see one of my closest friends who came to Vegas with me since we returned. She gets engaged (wahoo!!) yet I haven't been able to get together with her or her fiance to congratulate them and take them out. THEN . . . she schedules their wedding three weeks before mine (though we did Vegas, we want to do the whole church and reception event for our family and closest friends). Did I mention that she is supposed to be my maid of honor? In my opinion, I see that as the biggest F U, ever. She didn't even have the courtesy to approach me about the timing and the fact that she is supposed to be the maid of honor. And to be honest, I cannot think of a single thing that me or my other half could have done to warrant not seeing her or her fiance since we returned from Vegas over six month ago. It's as though she's done a complete about face and decided to just exit stage left.

My other half's father told me that sometimes weirdness ensues after two people get married - not exactly his words, but you get the idea. He said that the unmarried folks, especially, may act differently. Is it a coincidence that both of these gals were not married at the time when my life was evolving and evolved into a married life? I have no idea. But while the ones who I have known for quite some time have fallen by the wayside or chosen to extricate themselves from my life, there are those who have remained and been steadfast in their friendships. There are those who are excited for me and this new time in my life and look forward to sharing in our special day. There are those who have re-entered my life in a most unusual way (that's for another day).

While I miss some of the people who used to be a part of my life, it has been an interesting journey to see who my true friends really are. And it has been quite a development to see that people who I didn't see as such good friends are truly good ones. Personally, I'll take the ones who want to go through life - the good, the bad, the ugly - together. That's the point, right?

A New Experience

2009-09-25T18:41:00.000-04:00

Earlier this month my other half and I went on vacation. It was no ordinary vacation for me as I'd really not done a "driving" (ok, riding) vacation. We tossed around a few ideas for vacation prior to the decision of a driving vacation, but this was a new one, at least for me, in terms of vacations.

Part I - Cooperstown

Why would I want to go to Cooperstown, you may be thinking. There's NOTHING to do there, aside from go to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Precisely the point. As far as memory serves, I had not been to The BHF (my father quickly corrected me - apparently I was there before the ripe age of 5. Umm, and I would remember that trip why?). To go was exciting to me because last year I developed a love for baseball, thanks to my other half. I have been an avid fan of the Mets (yes, the Mets) and even started scoring games (until I just couldn't take it anymore this season). To be honest, there is a lot of interesting stuff at The BHF. A lot of tidbits of information that were completely unknown to me in addition to seeing the huge area as a tribute to Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron. And seriously, who doesn't like watching Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?" skit. Oh, and where else can you find a t-shirt that is made of the softest cotton EVER that is twice as much as the baseball cap purchased?! Seriously, I was like a kid in a candy shop in the museum shop. I wanted this, and this, and this, and this, and this . . . Restraint. I had to have much restraint.

Cooperstown in and of itself is a small, sleepy town. It's quaint, about two blocks long. And it is clear that everyone knows everyone. And, there's this amazing lake there. Absolutely amazing. It's real name is Otsego Lake . . . also known as Glimmerglass Lake. It was so beautiful. Words simply cannot describe the beauty of the lake. We drove to the lake around early afternoon. Looking out, seeing the sun reflect off the lake . . . "glimmerglass" is fitting.

Given how far north we were, you could see that fall was already making its debut. Tops of trees had that beautiful red hue, the morning air was crisp, the temperatures were brisk in the morning, warm in the afternoon and back to chilly at night. The driving was fun - roads were curvy, views were spectacular. Just what convertibles were made for.

Part 2, including the great moose (yes, I said moose) hunt, to follow.

A Slight Change in Plans

2009-08-25T19:40:00.000-04:00

Generally it goes like this:

Alarm goes off.
Hit snooze, go back to sleep.
Hit snooze, go back to sleep again.
Pry sleepy self out of bed.
Freshen up from the night.
Get dressed for work.
Make lunch - if there is stuff readily available.
Grab newspaper from doormat on the way to the car.

Yeah, pretty exciting, eh? Call it what you will, this is generally my morning routine. Very rarely engaging in much conversation, especially during the work week.

When my other half and I started living together, a bone of contention was my daily schedule. It could generally be seen as me taking the incredibly early first shift and him taking the more normal (but late to me) shift. So, ok, no problem . . . to end some of the disagreements, I started adjusting to staying up a little later at night and waking up a little later in the morning so that we could spend more time together. But there was still something off as I wasn't exactly connecting with my other half in the morning, let alone talk to him much aside from "good morning" and "ok, I'm leaving, I'll see you later". I definitely was not helping matters much given that I ease into my day with respect to the basics like talking and smiling. I don't just wake up and poof! I'm smiling and all sorts of happy, happy, joy, joy.

Last Thursday morning, he initiated something different in the morning. Afte waking up early he asked if I would go to Starbucks with him. It's a mere um, block and a half from our place, so it's not like he was asking something completely unreasonable. So, semi-reluctantly I dragged my lazy self out of bed, threw on some clothes and flip flops and headed out the door. To my surprise, we had an brief, but enjoyable, walk to Starbucks, got a refreshing drink (LOVE lemonade iced tea), a bite to eat and then we headed home. We joked around, had a few laughs . . . we connected. And it started our respective days off on quite a different foot. My other half was incredibly cheerful and centered and I felt incredibly happy and content. We connected and it's not like it required a whole lot of change; especially on my part.

And now, back to our regular scheduled programming. Well, kind of.

Who was that man?

2009-08-10T18:28:00.000-04:00

I honestly cannot tell you where all the time is going. Days, weeks slip by and I have no idea what I have done. While I cannot recall every detail or event, there were a couple of biggies.

Last week was the first time in almost a year that me and my other half were separated for five days while he went on a business trip. It was very odd to be without him. While I did enjoy the quiet of the house and being alone, there were times when that enjoyment was quickly replaced with sadness because of the simple fact that I was alone. However, that feeling was quickly supplanted by the fact that my father was in town for another week long visit. Would someone please explain to me how he thinks calling four days before his arrival is sufficient notice, especially with the expectation that he was going to stay with me while in town? I will never understand. So, Sunday, my other half leaves, then my father comes into town Monday night saying that he will be staying in a hotel, which happens to be a mere four blocks from where I live. Oh, and that it was a pleasant but unexpected surprise that I was there to pick him and my stepmother up. What an unbelievable surprise. I seriously thought he was joking with me. Of course on the drive to the hotel, my father attempted to pull some of his usual just in town antics, but I calmly set my foot down that I could not participate. At the last minute when I was dropping my father and step-mother off at the hotel, she tried to pull a bait and switch. And, again, I calmly stated that staying with me was not possible – it’s late, I have to go to work in the morning and nothing is prepared for them to stay. Tuesday I was not looking forward to checking in on my father as I was concerned whether he would attempt to pull something that would result in staying with me for the duration of his stay. Again, to my surprise, my father did nothing of what I was expecting. Nor did he attempt to impose himself and his wife into my home the following night while we were at dinner. And he even stated that they would be cutting their trip short and return home on Thursday. During dinner, he was shockingly talkative and singing the praises of the hotel.

Not too long ago, I wrote briefly on boundaries . . . since then, I’ve done everything I could to calmly maintain my boundaries with my father. Part of me is suspicious as to why this trip went so smoothly, however I keep myself from constantly questioning it because I don’t know what may or may not have happened to change how my father approaches his visits. So, what I thought would be an incredibly stressful week turned out to be relatively painless. If nothing else, I look at it as a result of setting boundaries and firmly maintaining them. Phew!

Family Fun Time

2009-07-27T19:45:00.000-04:00

I remember the days of sitting for hours playing chess or checkers with my father or chinese checkers or rummy (Scrabble came in around high school) with my mom. During family gatherings, the goal was for one of the cousins to beat my mother at Scrabble. (Yes, my mother was the one who could get massive amount of points from one or two strategically placed tiles).

In an effort to have more constructive time together (no television/movie or house tasks), my other half and I came up with a few games to play together. This past week I managed to remember to pick up Scrabble. We peeled off the plastic wrapping and sat down for our first game this past Saturday night. It was late, we were both thoroughly exhausted from our day, yet there was a feel of excitement in the air as we were about to engage in this activity together for the first time. And it was pretty fun to play by candlelight as well. Nor was there any score-keeping this game, which was probably a good thing given that we are both incredibly competitive people.

I'm not really sure how long the game lasted. What I do know is that we had an incredibly fun time playing. It was clear that the wheels were turning and even though we weren't keeping score, there was planning (ok, plotting) on both sides. There were only a few tiles left, I could tell he was ready to call it quits (he was falling asleep at the table, well . . . It was past one in the morning), but he pushed through only for me to use all my tiles successfully first. (Tee hee). I think he said next time we're keeping score.

Draw that line

2009-07-13T18:30:00.000-04:00

Boundaries. We all have to set them, right? There has to be a point where enough is enough or something of the like. And in almost every area of our lives, there have to be boundaries. What I don't understand is why certain people (like parents) feel as though they do not have to respect those lines in the sand.

Since February, my other half and I have learned that lines in the sand must be drawn. Together. One of the most difficult set of boundaries to establish and have respected as those regarding interactions with my father. I love my father, don't get me wrong. HOWEVER, being 82 years old does not grant anyone carte blanche to do as he or she pleases without any sort of consequence or reaction; that includes my father. What egregious things could he have done, you may be wondering? Well, let's see . . . still addresses mail directly to me using my maiden name (along with "Miss" - seriously?!), calls our phones (our individual cellphones and home phone) numerous times back to back if there is no answer the first time, calls us at inappropriate times (late at night, during the work day) sometimes claiming there is an emergency when there really isn't one, coming to visit and expecting that we (mainly me) will drop everything to chaueffer him around . . . I could go on, but there would really be no point. I think at this point, you get the picture.

It is very true that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. So, we have had adapt and adjust so that we (mainly me) don't go insane. The boundaries that we have set for ourselves have been shared with those who need to hear them. In addition, we've taken action to ensure that if one chooses to ignore the statements we've made we aren't disturbed by their lack of respect or consideration. And, one thing I need to practice is not reacting to the lack of respect or consideration. That part is incredibly difficult. You can't tell me you want all this respect and then do the complete opposite to others, including me. It just doesn't sit well with me and it is flat out irritating. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Becoming a unit has definitely been a learning experience. I love every moment of it, in spite of the weirdness that has occurred because of various peoples ability (or inability) to adjust. The most wonderful thing about is it that we face things like this together. We don't have to stand alone holding our ground. Rather we are there to support each other and back each other up. We are there to assert our togetherness and unity to everyone. And that is just another amazing tidbit about happily ever after.

Happiness

2009-06-15T18:15:00.000-04:00

When it comes to figuring me out, sometimes I am the last to know and there are times when I can't even fathom what is bringing me down. This happened to me, again, on Friday. All day I was on the brink of tears, I wanted to yell at just about anyone that spoke to me, I was inexplicably sad (borderline depressed) and was informed that I was not eating regularly. Upon getting home after work on Friday night and nearly severing my other half's head from the rest of his body, he insisted I lay down and rest (of course, I resisted). Ok, so I give in and lay down. While laying there, he offers to bring me a snack, something to drink . . . I refuse it all, but then start crying. He then comes to cuddle me, I try to push him away (I don't like crying in front of other people no matter who you are) and then explain that I don't even know why I'm crying. Without missing a beat, my other half explains I get like this when I am sleep-deprived, stressed, oh yeah - my first mammogram and, well, there are the after effects of my father's visit that are still lingering. And therein lie all the reasons, I'm sure there may have been others, for my meltdown. What was even sweeter with respect to my other half is that he didn't explain it to me condescendingly or snidely . . . it was more of a "look at how much you've had to deal with lately, don't feel bad because you need to rest and take care of yourself".

And from that moment throughout the weekend is when I was reminded, again, of all the reasons (and more) of why I love my other half so deeply. Though I resisted (and, at times, was a complete pain in the arse), he took care of me. He made sure I rested, he kept me away from the kitchen (yes, as he said, I had DTs because I wasn't allowed in the kitchen) and cooked for me, he took care of things around the house. He gave me the time and space to do whatever I needed to do to not be so emotionally and physically exhausted. No man has ever gone to such lengths to ensure that I was okay and to just rest. Friday night, all day Saturday and half of Sunday, we were at home with minimal contact with the outside world (landline was unplugged from the wall and cellphones were on silent or vibrate). And it was perfect. It was also a chance for us to reconnect and settle back into what life was like before we got married - like the afternoons I used to spend at his place while we would each be doing our own thing, watching the sunset together, talking (really talking, not the daily type stuff).

While there could still be more rest . . . I feel emotionally refreshed. And I thank my other half as he knew what I needed and made it happen, in spite of me. To me, that is love.

Screaming inside

2009-06-12T17:45:00.000-04:00

I don't even know where to start. Don't even know what to say. For some time now I feel as though I talk, but am not heard. And if by some chance I'm heard, it doesn't matter because the listener doesn't actually listen. I feel like I bend and mold to accommodate others and if I don't figure out how to adapt to a situation, then shame on me. I hear "be yourself, don't worry about anyone else" yet when I am myself something isn't acceptable. Really?

So now I constantly feel as though I am toeing the line trying to ensure all are content and happy around me, regardless of how it may make me feel. Heavens forbid I actually voice my opinion because then I am told that it's just me, things are not as I perceive them to be. Or I'm told not to get upset, just be happy. Frequently I am ready to snap, lose my mind, breakdown in tears or something of the sort or a combination of everything. Be your own person, do your thing . . . then I get snarky comments when I am my own person doing my own thing. Take care of yourself, do what you need to do . . . then I'm called selfish or told I don't think about others.

THAT'S ALL I DO - I think of others, I worry about others, I do what I can to ensure that others are taken care of. And I do this all without saying a word, without a complaint. I feel I often do what others ask of me and then a ton of other things that aren't even asked for to make their lives a little easier. I try and have things flow smoothly, taking care of every detail I can think of and try to even anticipate what could happen. And even that isn't enough. Oh, but I should bow down, kiss your feet and say thank you over and over again for doing something for me. Someone else wants special recognition because she or he chose to do something for me. Heavens forbid I point out the one or two things I do . . . I am then told I shouldn't expect or want any recognition or thanks for those things I do. Really? I shouldn't want the smallest of thanks? I shouldn't want to not be taken for granted? I shouldn't want to be appreciated? Seriously?

Ok, fine. Then how about this - I just want to be enough.

Custard's last stand

2009-06-11T19:30:00.000-04:00

As the years racked up, circumstances, relocations, etc. tended to contribute to losing touch with friends. There were maybe one or two incidences where there were falling outs and the friendship was just over. But even those endings were non-eventful. Last October was the end of a five-year friendship. Due to my ex-friend’s conduct, I was unable to continue to be friends. This had been coming, though, through the summer months. This person’s true colors were definitely shining through and they were ugly – disloyal, disrespectful, rude, to name a few. It was all about the ex-friend (EF), 2 AM phone calls that could last all night (EF is self-employed, I am not) . . . Since then, EF continues to show those ugly colors through actions, including passive-aggressive comments via email when requesting a book back. And, when called out on the passive aggressive nonsense, EF proceeds to just launch into a tirade via email (because seriously, why would I take your phone call now if I wasn’t really taking them prior to the dissolution of our friendship???) to which my response was “you bore me.” And from that point forward, I remained silent. If there was another email, my response was one-line. I did not engage in the tit for tat nonsense. Well, until yesterday.

See, after EF’s judgmental, self-important tirade, I quietly penned a response. It was a well-thought out response to EF’s main arguments. I stated my point, backed up with examples of EF’s behavior and moved on. However, I never sent the email. I kept it to myself, didn’t even share it with my other half. It was therapy enough for myself. I thought, really, at that moment, I didn’t need to have the last word because I know my truth. I can sleep at night. Upon putting EF’s book in the mail yesterday, I was of a different point of view. The more I thought about EF’s disloyal behavior, inconsideration and sense of superiority, the more I wanted to send my response. If nothing else to finally get out all the things I hadn’t said to EF before to spare feelings or thinking that EF would one day understand how to be a true friend. And seeing just how peaceful my life had become without EF, I felt as though EF’s misguided notions had to be set straight. It was time for me to stand up for myself. And yes, I could have called and laid it all out there, but I also don’t have that sort of time to waste. To me, sending the response along with the book is just more effective – the words are there in print and will stare EF in the face. They can’t be taken back. The examples of behavior cannot be denied as they are fact. Assertions of disloyalty, rudeness, etc. all supported by examples.

Though I may or may not ever learn of a reaction is of no consequence. In closing, I clearly stated to not contact me under any circumstance – for none will ever exist to bring our two worlds together again. For me, there is closure. While some days I miss the fun times EF and I had . . . the taxing, grueling drama was outweighing the good. The lack of consideration for me as EF’s friend, or even a human being, was too much to bear. So here we are. The end of a chapter in my life. A friendship has never ended like this for me before, ever. With such hard feelings. What did EF expect, though? That I would just be the doormat throughout the entire friendship? That I would never stand up for myself if continually unheard or disrespected? Seriously.

Some times . . . parting is NOT such sweet sorrow.

And the winner is . . .

2009-06-11T19:02:00.000-04:00

I LOVE my other half. I really do. Since being together, we have had our ups and downs just as any other couple does. We have more ups than downs, though, and our moments where one of us wants to just strangle the other person do not last long. Last night, for me, was one of those times that could have resulted in a real up or a real down. For all the times that my other half has taken care of me . . . last night was my turn and I didn't fail to show up 110% percent.

Truth be told, I was happy to be the one taking care of him. It was about time that he allowed me that responsibility. Often times when we do something independent of each other, he remains steadfast in not wanting to burden me with any problems. Not last night, and I'm grateful for that in more ways than one! But seriously . . . As the text messages progressed last night, I knew it was time for me to step in and step up. Before he knew it, there I was. Poof! It was like magic.

It was comforting to me, when the night finally ended that we were there together in bed. As it should be. And that I was able to get both of us to that point made me feel quite good, I must admit. It's like I said, he is usually the one taking care of me, of us, of everything down to closing up shop for the night. But last night, he had nothing to worry about, no responsibility to take care of us - I had it all under control.

This morning while we were both getting ready for work, he thanked me. He looked at me with such love in his eyes, which made me love him just a bit more. For not only did he just look at with me with such love, he acknowledged that last night it was me taking care of him and it was nice. And my response . . . a simple "you're welcome", ok, along with ribbing comments as to just how silly he was at various points.

I love him and would move heaven and earth if he asked and I could. It's moments like last night and this morning that make my world a happier place. It's moments like last night that remind me that our love runs THAT deep and strong. It's moments like last night that prove that he, and no one else, is truly the love of my life. My soulmate. My everything.

Strait-jacket not required. Not yet.

2009-06-08T19:54:00.000-04:00

A friend who I haven't spoken to in about a week or so recently sent me an email asking what was new . . . what's been going on . . . I replied that all is well, but far too much has happened for me to put in an email. I would have been writing my response to her for the entire day, if not longer.

I guess the easiest way to sum it up is that life has been going on. It's been happening in a most overtly, draining, sometimes fun way. Wow - that makes absolutely no sense. The long and short of it is that my other half and I are still detoxing from a visit from my father and his wife. Yes, I said "detoxing". Why detox? Well, four adults in less than 1400 sq. ft., One ornery, 82-year old father, one wife who isn't quite sure of her position in this family (even after over 3 years), one newly married couple - one half of whom is the 82-year old's adult daughter. Yeah - recipe for disaster. No joke. Oh yeah, and the visit was for 5 days. I could list all the woes, all the annoyances, all the pain in the ass moments. But I'll spare you that; mainly because unless you were actually there . . . you wouldn't believe half the things that you would read. Let's just say that my father was incredibly imposing, rude, inconsiderate, borderline abusive during his visit. There were some good moments . . . usually when anyone agreed with him just to shut him up or when my other half and I weren't home. Yeah, I know this sounds harsh . . . but it is reality. Yes, my father is still angry at the world because his wife died. But no need to make me miserable because you are. Oh wait - misery loves company, right?! Unfortunately, the visit was incredibly toxic and I am still recovering. Sad, but true.

This is a cross-over topic for me, given that I wrote about this horrendous trip with respect to missing my mother in my other blog. But, this . . . this post, I guess, is just another rant for me because I am still feeling the after-shock. The worst part is that it wasn't just me who had to witness this behavior from my father. My other half witnessed it. And, honestly, it is just downright embarassing and humilating. I am embarassed at the way my father conducted himself during this visit. He says that he gets that my father is 82-years old and blah, blah, blah. But it really doesn't make me feel any better because he, too, was disrespected and intruded upon. And it's not as though I am able to tell my father just how inconsiderate and rude he was because he is THAT old school that to him, it is no matter how he behaves . . . he's the father, he can do and say whatever he wants. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. This is the same father who after not seeing me for over six months my first year of law school says (in front of my brother and now-ex), "Oh look, Kathryn got fat." Uh, yeah. That's not something you say to ANYONE. And when it was mentioned to him that he hurt my feelings and insulted me, he first laughed, then got indignant and said something to the effect that he's the father and he can say whatever he wants. Great. Just great. And by the way, I'm 5'3" and was probably 110 pounds or less at the time. Please tell me how that's me getting fat.

I know that my father does not know how to deal with all the changes that have happened within our nuclear family. And I know that he has no idea how to handle being a father of adult children. I am told that his behavior has nothing to do with me, personally. But that's just how he is. With everyone. Not only do I know that, I see it. My father is my father, but my other half is my family. Me and my other half must come first. More importantly, I must come first. I feel that it is time for me to really learn how to detach myself without feeling guilt or disrespecting my father. I recognize that I am not armed with the skills to do that very thing. Time to solve that problem.

On a daily?

2009-05-26T18:45:00.001-04:00

I barely have enough time to get home and cook a decent dinner for me and the other half.

I barely have enough time to get a good night’s sleep.

I barely have enough time to get all the things I need to get done in a day . . . aside from go to work.

So I guess you could say that’s why the posts have slowed. A lot. It’s not that I don’t think about posting. It’s not that there isn’t interesting material to post . . . believe me, there is! But, finding the time is a whole other thing. I don’t want to post while in the office – employers are just looking for reasons to lay people off. And why not for violation of the internet usage policy? It’s an easy violation to prove and take action if my employer was so inclined. I could post while I’m at home making dinner or something, you know, multi-task and sh*t, but I like to focus on my cooking (it’s like my zen time and I multi-task enough while cooking). Honestly the only time I am ever on the computer when cooking is to either look up something to do with what I’m cooking or finding music to play – these are the perks of having a computer in the kitchen. Ok, so I could post after dinner . . . but I would also like to spend some time with my other half. SO . . . that generally leaves very little time to post. Or even write, in general.

My other half and I keep trying to figure out a routine so we both feel settled and are able to do things we want to do . . . but we also keep getting side-tracked. Or we start a “routine” and then fall off track a day or two later. Yesterday, we started with what we would like to do to help us feel more grounded. And the day ended wonderfully. It was a “Sunday” we haven’t had in quite some time. It started with me putting sauce on the stove, a long walk with my other half (it was wonderful and we had so much fun together, even if I did get a little whiney), dinner, some home improvement, baseball, reading and going to bed together. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I’d like to write a little in the evening, but I know that will come in time and has rooms continue to morph to just the way we like things.

We are in for a quiet week, meaning no after-work plans of any sort. Yet – unless we change something. And that is fine as far as I’m concerned. There is still more work to be done before my father and step-mother arrive in town this weekend for a short visit. So we will be more than busy.

The bonus is that it’s a four day week!! Woohoo!! Happy Tuesday to all.

Blow out the candles . . .

2009-05-18T19:44:00.000-04:00

Woo hoo! Happy Birthday to me. And what a wonderful birthday it was. My other half just blew my mind away.

Ok, so, my actual b-day was Friday. It started off with taking the day off from work and sleeping in. Oh, how nice that was! I was a little grumpy in the morning . . . a result of missing my mother. Unfortunately I directed this grumpiness towards my other half, so I had a piece of humble pie to eat. I spent the rest day doing things for myself, including visiting my mother (which immediately improved my spirits) and a little shopping spree at one of my favorite stores with the salesperson who I only deal with when I go there. It was such a fun time to try on different outfits and catch up with her. After about an hour or so, though, I was completely over trying clothes on and had to stop. But, I left with some much needed new work clothing (that fits). When I got back home, I did a few things around the house and took a nice looooong nap before getting ready for dinner . . . at one of my favorite restaurants (one that I would to go with my family on special occasions). It was such a divine dinner. The food was amazing as was the presentation.

Saturday the birthday presents from my other half continued . . . a day at the spa!!! We’re talking manicure, pedicure, deep tissue massage and haircut. Oh. My. Goodness. You coulda stuck a fork in me during the massage cause I was done! I know I was falling asleep. And then while the hairstylist was blowing out my hair, the nodding off continued. There was no hiding the head bobbing action. My other half came to pick me up and then we went to grab a bite to eat before going home. Upon arriving home, he said I wasn’t to do a thing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. I have to admit it was a little weird walking past a load of laundry and NOT folding it. Rather, I got to spend what was remained of the day/evening in bed. I read a book, fell asleep, woke up, read some more then went to sleep for the night. I cannot recall when I EVER did anything like that. And, again, my other half was so wonderful taking care of some household things and checking on me every so often.

Sunday . . . it was back to reality. Errands to run, household things to be done, dinner to be made. But I was so relaxed while doing all of it that I really didn’t mind. Things have to get done, you know? Seriously, though . . . I couldn’t have asked for more for my b-day.

Time Flies . . . Regardless of the Fun You're Having

2009-05-08T19:03:00.002-04:00

Wow . . . who knew almost a month could go by without having an opportunity to write. Unbelievable.

Here's the long and short of it . . .

- Changes at work, enough to make my little head spin.

- Last minute travelling across the country to see my dad. What a quick trip. But, when it comes to parents, it tends to be nice when the visit is short. The weather was wonderful and I learned the secrets to making homemade dumplings. Can't WAIT to try this recipe (well, what I could create from what I saw) on my own. I managed to read an old fave while travelling (The Devil Wears Prada) and I also read The Other Queen. I'm now on to The American Wife by Curtis Sittenfield.

- Wedding planning things. Who knew all that went into the planning. We've done pre-Cana with the priest that's marrying us. Yay! And we've pretty much settled on a venue. The view from the ballroom is spectacular! I can't wait to see what it will be like at night. The guest list is getting hammered out. Surprisingly, the number is right around what we want. Even better!

- Seeing old friends that I haven't seen in such a long time. I recently had dinner with a gal pal who I've known since my college years. We lost contact when I moved out of state and recently got back in touch with each other. Our dinners have been so spaced apart from each other that every time we get together we fit eating our dinner between talking. This last time we had dinner we had careers, a wedding and an engagement to catch each other up on . . . that's a whole lotta talkin! But SO fun!! And I can't wait to see another one of my gal pals in just under two weeks . . . haven't seen her in about a week. There will be another wedding for me to get caught up on and an engagement to detail to her. :o)

- Baseball. Lots and lots of baseball. But I am SO lovin it! I had no idea it could be so exciting. And wow - there are games daily (almost) and I so want to watch them!! And, because I'm such a geek . . . last night I kept a baseball scorecard for the game. Gives a whole new perspective to the game. AND I was able to give my other half the lowdown when he walked in the door from his business trip. GO METS!

And so, there you have the short of it all.

This weekend will prove to be busy as well . . . my friend's son's FIRST birthday party is tomorrow and then Sunday we'll be celebrating mother's day with my other half's family. It's spring, going into summer . . . the weather is turning, finally. And so, yeah, there will be much to do to enjoy each weekend to the fullest.

Salt and pepper

2009-04-22T19:31:00.001-04:00

Where is it written that just because the times are a changing that we are required to change our views to accommodate such changes or trends? I’m referring to Miss California commenting on same-sex marriage. Why the big outcry because that she gave her TRUE opinion? I would much prefer someone give his or her own true opinion rather than provide an “opinion” that is politically correct or one meant to placate the masses. If you’re going to do that, what’s the point? Also, whatever happened to the notion of if you’re going to ask a question you should be prepared for the answer, whatever it may be. Seriously.

The point of debate, communication, friends, etc. is the basis of being true to yourself. Staying true to your beliefs and your opinions. What value am I to a friend if I am afraid to give her my true opinion or thoughts regarding an issue she brings to the table? What value am I in my profession if I compromise my beliefs and principles? What value does it add to my life to be a sheep? To follow the masses so that I am not singled out for what I stand for? I was once told I better stand for something or I’ll fall for anything. And there is much truth in that. What I see in many people is a lack of conviction or an unwillingness to express their true opinions for fear of backlash. Now, sure, in some cases, it is best to keep your thoughts to yourself. However, how many times would that really come up? And seriously, if you’re going to be around people, professionally or socially, that are unable to agree to disagree with the opinion of others, why be around those people? (Ok, so maybe the professional thing isn’t always the easier one to sort out).

I have gotten into many disagreements with people because of what some of my core beliefs and opinions are on a variety of topics. I’ve been called close-minded and unaccepting. And that’s fine. But at least I hold true to what I believe. See, what people tend to forget is that my opinions and views are based on what I deem acceptable in my own eyes in my own life. I don’t broadly apply what I believe across the board under the presumption or mere thought that ALL must agree with what I think and should live their lives accordingly. That’s nonsense. And, at the end of the day, not everyone is going to agree and that’s fine. I mean, when I have children one day, I certainly don’t think they’ll have a need for a television in their room at age 5, let alone a cellphone at age 9 or 10. But that does not imply that I think that parents who allow these things for their children are wrong or out of their minds. As for the topic of marriage . . . yes, I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. But I certainly do not think that those who think otherwise are wrong or out of their minds. It’s a difference of opinion. If we were all meant to have the same opinion, thoughts, belief system it would be an incredibly dull world we live in.

Variety is the spice of life.

Skeletons In the Closet

2009-04-16T19:44:00.000-04:00

Do you regret anything you did when you were in your twenties, was a question that was posited on the morning radio show I listen to while I drive to work. After having a few callers who were over the age of 35 respond, the DJ stated the reason for that was so that the younger listeners could benefit from the comments of those who came before them. Part of the problem, though, with most of the people who responded was that they didn’t really answer the question. Rather, the callers took a different approach stating there were many things they didn’t do in their twenties that they now regret. Whatever the case may be, though, it got me thinking on my younger, wilder days. Are there things that I regret doing? How do I feel about all the things that I did in my twenties?

To be honest, there was a time when I did regret a handful of things I did when I was in my twenties. However, I came to realize that regret was misplaced because it was more the aftermath that made me regret an action moreso than the event itself. Everything I did in my twenties, or at any age for that matter, were all things I did completely aware of my actions. There is no need to write a line by line of the things that I did, but it doesn’t matter. We all have things we’ve done that we share a select one or two or with no one at all and the reasoning for that is probably because we regret those things because they were shameful, out of character, etc. But, think about it, why is it that there would be regret if we made a conscious decision to do those things? If you get a tattoo when you’re 23 on your back . . . you don’t think you’ll think about what it will look like when you get older? You don’t think you’ll think about where to place the tattoo? Let’s be serious.

The past is the past. What’s the point of regret? Life is too short to regret and not see the fun or love in what we did when we were younger. It is all part of being young and being able to see something for what it is. Surely in some cases there will be life long evidence of our actions, but it’s not a scarlet letter for all to see. And just because we may do one thing that we later come to regret doesn’t mean we’re a bad person.

While I have my own skeletons in my closet, I’ve come to learn that there should be no regrets about what I did in my past. For whatever reason, I participated in those things. Some were awesome, some were horrible and when they were horrible like I said above, it wasn’t the act or event itself, rather it was the aftermath. And as a result, those not so good incidents were incredibly valuable life lessons. Thus, those events and lessons are part of who I am today; they have shaped what defines me. How can I have regret?

Don't monkey with tradition

2009-04-14T19:31:00.003-04:00

Growing up, on certain holidays or events there was no question as to where the family would gather. There was no question that Thanksgiving was at my mother's youngest brother's house. And there was definitely no question that Christmas was spent in Taiwan with my grandmother (mother's mother). As I've gotten older, with my mother passing, my brother overseas and my father living across the country from me, traditions are no longer what they were. This weekend while visiting my aunt, I was told that it is time for me and my OH (Other Half) to start thinking about starting our own family traditions. And not just for us, but for his parents and his sister as well. And really, she said that seeing as that he is the oldest child of his family, the onus is on us to create the traditions . . . to start the same thing in our own family that existed within my family, which still exists to the extent that it is possible. What's funny is that I don't even really think of it as an onus, in fact, I look forward to taking the lead on this with respect to where family should congregrate for a holiday or two. While I would love to go back to some of the old traditions and locales, I know I can't. But the excitement of maybe claiming a holiday as "ours" where I cook up a feast, family comes to gather at our table is incredible.

Holidays have been hard for me, especially since my mother passed. There was no tradition for me to rely upon. My brother, father and I had a couple Thanksgiving at my father's house that were a disappointment one way or another. Christmases were spent apart given the geography of the three of us. It can be unnerving when you feel like you have no anchor. So now, it's time for the groundwork to be laid so that there are traditions for my family. While it's nothing that can't vary at some point or another . . . to know where you are going to be or to know where something is going to be two or three days out of the year without question isn't a bad thing. Trust me.

It's a MIRACLE!!!

2009-04-06T20:00:00.002-04:00

So, after a couple of miserable days of not being able to breath and finding out there are a few OTC allergy meds that have absolutely no effect I found the solution. Well, I found a way to at least breath and be functional. I took this and this then VOILA! I could breath. Through my nose again. What a relief. The only remaining problem is that I was completely wiped out most of the time as a result of dealing with these allergies. All I wanted to do was sleep because of just how miserable I felt. And, I suppose that the side effects of the meds didn't help matters, either. I had grand hopes of going out to dinner with my other half on Saturday night, but when it was time to start getting ready . . . I couldn't even begin to muster the energy to get off the couch. I don't know if it was the Jedi mind trick or Vulcan mind meld, but my other half said he'd rather stay home if I wasn't really feeling up to going out. What a sweetheart.

Come Sunday I was feeling more human that we were able to enjoy the day together, though there were still some allergy driven agitated moments for me. We had a lovely time walking about the city and enjoying the extremely mild weather. And when we got home, I was more than happy to make our usual Sunday dinner. One minor problem . . . because of my allergies, my tastebuds aren't exactly right. So needless to say, there was A LOT of pepper used. Oops.

So, here I am. A little battle weary and anxious for my tastebuds to return to normal. But, the simple fact that I can breath with minimal sniffling is improvement. And quite a relief.

Getting older is highly over-rated. I mean, seriously . . . adult on-set allergies?? Who knew.

sniffle sniffle

2009-04-03T13:20:00.003-04:00

When I clicked over 30, there were quite a few changes that took place. I'll spare you the details, but a sampling of changes is as follows: my metabolism slowed down, PMS took on a whole new meaning (and not in a good way) and it takes longer to bounce back from those rare late, late nights out. And these past few days, I was introduced to a whole new world of allergies. Now, as I was in my twenties, I had a couple of symptoms of allergies here and there - the dry cough, runny nose and itchy eyes. But, they would come during the summer and only for a short while.

Well, it seems as though the allergy powers that be are not on my side at the moment. What seemed like the flu (again) may not necessarily be the flu at all. Though, I think at this point, I would much rather the flu. At least I know how to handle that! But no, I am quite suspicious that I have been knocked off my feet by allergies. Yes, you read it correctly . . . allergies. My nose has been manufacturing more fluid than I can imagine. I am rarely able to breath through my nose. Right when one nostril seems to be clear, the other one is ridiculously clogged. Or I have about thirty seconds, if that, of clear breathing, then my nostrils are clogged again. My eyes have been incredibly itchy and red. Not to mention it feels like someone put a mild version of glue in my eyes. And I've been feeling terribly itchy, and in some places I didn't even know you could feel itchy (who knew the inside of your ears could itch, but you couldn't really itch the itch).

I went through these symptoms last summer and early fall with my other half. It was awful. Well, let me tell you . . . I have a whole new level of appreciation for all that he had to go through. I mean, this is no day at the beach. Breathing through one nostril and not the other or breathing while being able to stand up but not sitting down is NOT my idea of fun. My other half has given me a list of suggestions, most of them work. However, what I really want to do right now is take a dose of Benedryl and be done with the sniffling. But, given that I'm likely to pass out, the Benedryl will have to wait. In the meantime, I guess super soft Kleenex, small moments of being able to breath and much sniffling and coughing are in my immediate future.

Adult on-set allergies? What's next?

Ah well . . . happy spring everyone!

This is no April Fool's!!

2009-04-01T18:45:00.001-04:00

In my 30+ years, I can honestly say that the thought of watching a baseball game whether live or on television was about as tempting as gouging my eyes out with a fork. In fact . . . I probably would have preferred to gouge my eyes out with a fork rather than watch an inning of baseball. That is, until last season. And I have my other half to thank!

All it took was one game and continual education throughout that game and I was hooked. No joke. It turned from seomthing I would describe as: someone throws the ball, someone tries to hit the ball and there may or may not be some running. Now, yes, it is completely that BUT with so much more behind each action. He helped me focus my eyes to see the different pitches - yes, I could see the curve to the inside or the sudden drop at the end of the pitch. I could see where the pitch was going in relation to homeplate. I saw that each batter had a different strike zone - who knew?! As the season wore on, I could start to see when the starting pitcher was starting to lose his touch. And strategy . . . I had no idea that there was a roster selected for EACH and every game. Suddenly, thinking about all the effort that the staff would have to put forth in order to have the best line up possible. The turning point was when I started paying attention to the standings on a daily basis and determining what needed to happen in order for teams to get ahead. I started to want to understand each nuance, the rules, etc. I turned into a baseball junkie.

I had my thrill during football season to see my hometown Steelers take it all. I paid a little attention during ice hockey season only to see my hometown Penguins kind of stink this season. So, here it is. The start of baseball season. And in this one case, I will not be following the games of my hometown Pirates. All I have to say is . . .

GO . . .

Time to slow down

2009-03-30T19:00:00.004-04:00

After a weekend, do you ever wonder what in the hell happened to that weekend? And you feel as though you truly need a weekend for your weekend? That’s how my weekend panned out. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed my weekend. But, seriously, I need a few days to recover.

Knowing that I had to wake up at 5:30 AM (yes, you read it correctly) on Saturday, my Friday night consisted of nothing. My other half and I watched a way old movie on cable called “Foxy Brown”. If you ever watch this movie (out of extreme boredom) and you are familiar with MADtv, then you’ll know who I am referring to when I say, “she look like a man”. But, anyway . . . how juvenile did I feel going to bed at 10:00 PM on a Friday night. Had to be done, though . . . I knew 5:30 AM would come rather quickly.

And so it did . . . the next thing I knew, my iPOD was blaring music and my other half was snoozing away next to me. Oh how I wanted to stay in bed, but there was no way. There was an 11:45 AM bridal shower in NY I was going to with my other half’s sister and mother. And before even getting to NY, we were all meeting at his mother’s house and. So, I dragged myself to the shower to wake myself up. And by 7:00 AM, I was on the way. I had about an hour and a half drive to the folks’ house . . . two and a half hours to Queens . . . two and a half hours back from Queens . . . an hour and a half back to my house. I don’t even want to tally up the number of hours I drove. The shower was fun . . . the driving wasn’t too painful as there wasn't as much traffic as there could have been. By the time I walked in my door at 8:45 PM, all I could think of was sleep. How amazing, to come home to hear that my other half is cooking dinner (shrimp scampi – YUM!!). While I was exhausted, I spent the next few hours hanging out with my other half, eating delicious food and talking about the day I spent with his family. And when I couldn’t take it any more . . . I slid my weary body into bed.

Sundays are supposed to be a day of rest, or something to that effect, right? Not so much for me. I was off to a bridal expo . . . thank goodness I didn’t have to drive and was able to get my gal pal to drive us. I have to admit that I wasn’t too thrilled about going, I was still exhausted from the night before . . . but, I dragged my arse to this thing. And, to be honest, I am so glad. We got some fabulous ideas for the wedding and saw some incredibly gorgeous (and not so gorgeous) gowns. I narrowed down the style of dress that want, we came up with centerpiece ideas as well as an idea for favors. I fell in love with this idea. It definitely lit a spark of excitement with the wedding planning.

There was no resting when I got home . . . there was Sunday dinner to be made. But, given that I love cooking, it was something I was looking forward to doing. And there is nothing like seeing my love enjoying my cooking. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t have what I needed to bake dessert – there’s always next week for that! And all I can say is that after cleaning up from dinner, there was some chatting, some Wii fun and some boob tube time all the while I think I was nodding on and off.

I cannot recall the last time I was on the go this much for an entire weekend nor can I recall the last time I saw my other half so little on a weekend. I guess there are just some times that the weekend will just work out that way.

Happy is . . .

2009-03-27T21:00:00.000-04:00

Every so often, I tend to see a common thread through the blogs I read on a daily or with the conversations at work. Today, it seems as though the common thread is happiness or something having to do with happiness and smiling. So, I thought I would shoplift a theme for today's blog.

So, happy is . . .

- seeing my other half after a long day of work

- when the house smells of freshly baked goods

- snuggling in my blanket with a good book

- cooking for those I love

- knowing I am going to spend the rest of my life with the man I undoubtedly know is my soulmate

- watching the sunset

- long walks on the beach

- the day in and day out of seeing my beloved just before I close my eyes and right when I open them the following morning

Happy Friday everyone!

This has launched a probe . . .

2009-03-24T18:00:00.001-04:00

While driving this past weekend, this was the sign in front of a construction roadblock. It is considered a hazard to motorists. Really? We thought it was so funny that after making a u-turn, we made another u-turn to go back and take a picture.

In reality, the real hazard is that there were NO prior warnings that the road was closed ahead.

Who says one is entitled?

2009-03-24T17:45:00.000-04:00

I don’t understand the recent trend of people thinking they are entitled to handouts as a result of their own situations. While reading an article about the AIG bonuses, I was more shocked at the comments within the news story from people who live in the same area as some AIG executives who stated that these people should give their money away to their neighbors who were less fortunate in their job situation. What I struggle with is where does this sense of entitlement come from?

From a young age, I was always taught to be able to rely on myself. There have been few times in my adult life where I’ve turned to my parents to help me out of a bad situation that I created for myself. There have been plenty of times, however, where I’ve lived from paycheck to paycheck or buying my furniture at yard sales because I couldn’t afford to even buy used furniture in the classifieds. I’m presently on my third career because while in my second line of work, I realized there was minimal room for advancement in both job title and responsibilities and salary. I was barely making ends meet. But rather than expect a handout, I went back to school and learned a new skill set.

In today’s economy, the available jobs are there. I know they are. I see them everyday. Friends are getting laid off from their jobs. Are they expecting a handout or some sort of assistance from someone because of their situation? No. Rather, they are continually seeking out new opportunities or creating those opportunities for themselves. Surely no one wants to take a pay cut, but a job with some money is better than no job with no money. Of course there’s unemployment compensation, but there are limitations on that as well. My point is that there is no room for a grown adult to unabashedly tell someone else who may be perceived in a “better” position that their money should go to them.

To say that all those who receive bonuses, whether it is at AIG or some other corporation, should not receive them is flat out wrong, especially if there are those who work hard and deserve that money. I’m sure there are those who do not deserve a bonus, however to say that all should suffer because of one individual or one department is just as ignorant as expecting a handout.

I am not entitled to anything aside from what I bring home. And if it is a trying time in my home, then we acclimate to ensure that the money lasts and is saved. What is not accepted is to continue a way of life when it cannot be done on the income brought in. To continue to do so and then expect a bailout makes my household no better than those who spend and spend and spend with the thought that when the well runs dry, there will be a bailout. If my household elects to spend and spend and there’s no room for us – we fail and there is no bailout. Nor would we expect one.

When we achieve success, we are always so willing and eager to accept responsibility. When we fail, we want to blame someone or something else. No. Own your failure just as you would your success. If you own your failure, there's no way you'd accept or expect a handout from anyone regardless of their financial status.

A Life Lesson

2009-03-19T18:31:00.001-04:00

It comes in many forms. It develops in a variety of ways. It brings out the best and worst in people. It builds character. But, most of all, there are many lessons to be learned when one must exercise strength. Especially strength of character.

The one lesson I've learned a great deal about as I've gotten older is strength in silence. Sound somewhat odd? It did to me when I first discovered this lesson. It was first phrased to me as would you rather be right or would you rather be happy. As a teenager and in my twenties, I was of the view that I would rather be right. But, this doesn't always create harmony with friends nor did it tend to resolve conflicts. Think about it, usually amongst friends, arguments arise because each person thinks he or she is right and doesn't want to back down. Going into my thirties, I began to learn and believe that I would rather be happy than be right. (There are still many times, though, where I don't practice that as I would like). But, whether I practice well or not, at least I know that I know there is more peace within if I take the approach that I would rather be happy, than right. At least in most situations. But I digress . . .

Within the past few weeks in some situations, I remembered the inner peace I felt when I practiced silence rather than practicing having to be right. It eliminates the pettiness and wasted energy on actions that, in the grand scheme of things, are not necessary or even warranted. When I chose to practice the silence rather than some other course of action, I would just sit back and laugh to myself because I wasn't getting caught up in the unnecessary battles. And I know when this approach benefits me because I feel very little stress about these things that are really quite inconsequential. It's also helpful when others comment on my ability to exercise the silent approach, to exercise self-restraint.

Now, admittedly, I don't always do this well, especially when there are disagreements with my significant other or particular family members. And so I need to practice my strength in silence and just be happy when I feel as though I'm being wronged or something of the like. I mean, above all, it's not like my family, those who love me, are purposely trying to wrong me. And sometimes it's even harder when other people get it wrong - these are the times when I really want to defend myself. But, then, I ask myself, is it really worth it. Is it really worth responding to each and every wrong thing that is said or shared? It's happened among my friends, but I choose to just let them figure it out themselves rather than step in. It has happened at work, but, again, I just let my actions demonstrate what I'm about. And, amongst family, they, too, straighten situations out amongst themselves there's really no need for me to ever feel as though I have to defend myself. They're my family. We've never felt the need to defend ourselves to each other. That's what family is all about. And that is what my true friends are all about.

So, in the end, practicing strength in silence tends to only benefit me in that I don't end up adding to the fray. For each and every time I've thought to defend myself, someone has always said there is no need or that they've admired my ability to say nothing. I just have to keep remembering that same approach when it comes to certain relationships in my life - more specifically, when it comes to my significant other. I think he'd appreciate that.

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? It shouldn't be a tough question to answer.

A True Sunday Dinner

2009-03-16T18:15:00.000-04:00

It is said that Sunday is a day of rest. Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. For me, this past Sunday wasn’t exactly a day of rest, rather it was full of goodness and a most incredible first.

This past Sunday was mostly spent centered around food. I went to the market so that the cupboards and refrigerator could be restocked. And I was quite the task master in that I had my list for the two markets I needed to go to and didn’t stray from the list. What an accomplishment given that I went on an empty stomach. Needless to say the prepped foods at the Whole Foods were smelling quite delicious when I was wrapping up the shopping excursion. Upon arriving at home, I promptly put the groceries away, made lunch and got started on the dinner menu. It was my goal to have a good old Italian Sunday dinner for my other half.

I started with the easy part – dessert. A simple chocolate sprinkle angel food cake. While I tend to not have much of a sweet tooth, the aromas that come from baking are just heavenly. I love the way the house smells after baking some sort of treat. This was a new recipe I tried and it came out pretty tasty. I’m still getting accustomed to my Kitchen-Aid mixer so I usually end up over-beating the cake or cookie batters. While that generally isn’t a problem, sometimes overbeating leads to a change in texture of the final product. Didn’t matter in this particular case as there were no complaints.

While the cake was baking, I moved on to what I thought would be the most difficult part – the sauce. To be honest, in all my years of cooking, I’ve NEVERmade sauce from scratch. I usually bought a decent quality jar sauce and added some minced garlic, maybe some oregano. From time to time I would maybe add in some ground meat. But that was about the extent of my making sauce. Not this time. This time I put it all together, short of using fresh tomatoes for the sauce. While I consulted a great recipe, I pretty much winged it – seared a bone-in pork chop, browned some onions with garlic, put the pork chop in with the onions and covered them with tomato puree, tomato paste, some water and spices. While the sauce was coming to a boil, I made the meatballs and put in them in the oven to bake. After the sauce simmered for about an hour, I put the meatballs in, added some more tomato puree and let the sauce do its thing. From time to time I’d taste the sauce and add spices as needed. And, of course, throughout the process, my other half was treated to sample tastes.

I have to admit that the aromas that filled the house were just intoxicating. The smell of the finished cake, the aroma of the sauce coming together . . . it was truly Sunday goodness.

In limbo

2009-03-05T18:13:00.000-05:00

It’s been just shy of two months to the day that I’ve been engaged. And knowing that a wedding will be forthcoming is such an exciting thought. But, there have been times when I feel as though moving forward with planning and sending out “Save the Date” cards is stalled, which it is, because of one thing, albeit kind of major, that must be completed before the planning commences. My first marriage must be annulled.

Now, while I am a Catholic, my first marriage was not performed in the Catholic church nor was it ever blessed by a Catholic priest. Heck, my ex wasn’t even a Catholic. However, the Church still requires that my first marriage be annulled as a precondition to my getting married in a Catholic Church now. Ok, no big deal, I thought. Um, actually . . . it kinda is. Although, less hoops to jump through given that I married a non-Catholic in a non-Catholic Church. So far, I’ve

1. Gone to Church (ok, once) to get reacquainted with the priest, Father Tom, who I asked to help me with my annulment. And, who will hopefully be marrying my fiancé and me.
2. Met with Father Tom to complete the annulment paperwork. See, I couldn’t just take the paperwork with me as it must be completed with the priest with him asking me the questions as if he were an attorney (which, actually, Father Tom is). Oh, and had to pay the Archdiocese a fee (above $100) for them to process my annulment.
3. Had to get Father Tom in touch with my ex so that he (my ex) could be informed of the annulment as it affects him (well, not really, I mean we are divorced already).
4. Then found out from Father Tom that he had to speak with two witnesses who knew me during the time of my marriage. Seriously?? This was over ten years ago!!! For a plethora of reasons, I speak to no friends from that time in my life. So, great, my father and brother are my only option . . . way to bring up the past in the face of my engagement and upcoming wedding.

And now, I wait, again . . . for the paperwork to be processed. For the words to come from Father Tom that the annulment has been granted. Then, we can move forward . . . putting a date on the calendar, sending out “Save the Date” cards, etc. But until then, being in neutral is kind of annoying. However, kind of my fault, I should have taken care of this a long time ago.

Rats! Foiled again.

2009-03-04T12:38:00.000-05:00

I almost made it out of winter without having gotten sick. Note the "almost". It was just annoying to wake up on a Friday, of all days, with a sore throat. It was on fire and hurt to swallow. Ugh. It was thought that I wasn't sick, but rather was just suffering from how wicked dry it is in the house due to the heat. No such luck given that I spent much of Friday in delerium. It is thought that I had a fever, but I couldn't tell you. The handy dandy thermometer that I bought last year doesn't seem to function properly. It was kind of humorous watching my other half trying to do the algorithims or whatever to figure out if I did, in fact, have a fever. Nevermind . . . he was convinced I had one at some point during the day, and I can't say that I disagree with him. And thus began the torture of being sick.

Normally when I'm sick, I want everyone to just stay away from me. I'm one pouty, needy individual when I don't feel well and I having witnesses to that state of being isn't a priority of mine. But, I guess when you're in love, really in love, you don't care. At least I didn't. In fact, I just wanted him around. Though it stung when he would mention how needy I was being. To his credit, though, he's an amazing man. I suspect I'm only feeling better at this point in time because of him. All weekend he took care of me - cooked for me, made sure I was resting, held me. Basically, doted on me like no one has ever done before. He even made fresh homemade chicken soup that was completely out of this world.

I suppose if I was going to be holed up in our house for days on end with minimal exposure to the outside world - it was made tolerable by my other half. I feel somewhat out of touch, though, given that I had minimal interaction with email and ignored almost every phone call that came in either to my cellphone or the house phone. And, I won't say that I'm sad to have missed what meteorologists around here called "Megastorm Monday". I was glad to be housebound when the weather was snowy with unsavory temperatures.

So close to escaping winter without having gotten sick. So close.

OH! And, here's a little homemade soother for you, courtesy of my other half. Half a teaspoon of honey (real honey) and approx. 8 oz. of hot water. And voila! You have instant relief and soothing for that sore throat. If you don't like honey (much like me), don't crinkle your nose (like I did) at the thought of this . . . you won't taste the honey and it feels so good on your throat.

Case of the Mondays . . .

2009-02-23T18:00:00.000-05:00

I am in a work environment where we are not granted the luxury of our own individual offices. For this reason, it is no wonder that it is just mere common courtesy to take your cellphone calls elsewhere, not eat ridiculously pungent foods at your desk and use an “inside voice” when talking to others in close proximity. It’s also cause for keeping your laughter, extraneous noises (slurping, clearing your throat over and over, heavy sighing, etc.) to yourself. So, what I don’t understand is why there are others who simply cannot keep a vague pretense of common courtesy alive.

To those who has an affinity to take any and all cellphone calls right at their desk. Umm . . . when you’re in a bullpen situation, the last thing you want to hear, over and over again, is the same person taking phone calls that are totally unrelated to the work at hand. It’s even worse when another co-worker is accused of this conduct. Gee, thanks. Thanks to a not very blatant group meeting, this same person no longer takes phone calls at their desk.

To those who have extreme intolerance for others lack of common courtesy, yet have no sense of common courtesy themselves. Knock it off!!! Here’s what I mean . . . B makes comments under their breath when someone takes a quick phone call at their desk. Nevermind the fact the phone call is less than thirty seconds and in hushed tones. B has no issue with practical jokes on others, but watch out if B is the target of a practical joke. There’s potential for things to go flying through the air. Um . . . please remember when you’re laughing, not everyone wants to hear you laughing like a loud, hysterical hyena. Seriously. And well, just about every sound, albeit words, slurping, heavy breathing or sighing, that comes out of B is ridiculously loud. B’s just a little too high on B’s horse to realize that when directly asked to please be more mindful of others we mean you, B! We really do!

To those who are just rude – would it kill you to at least be civil to your fellow co-workers? How about a smile rather than a sneer the minute you walk in the door? How about some form of acknowledgement when a co-worker says hello to you? How about NOT using your fellow co-worker’s desk as your lunch table?

To those who think I may be a little anti-social sometimes at work . . . I’m quiet so I do not disturb those working diligently around me. I do not use your desk as my lunch table or work station when you are not around because it’s just rude. I say hello or good morning because it’s just polite. I do not always insert myself into every conversation because, well, not every conversation is meant for me to be a participant. To be honest, I’d rather you think me a little anti-social than one of “those” people in your office.

Business is business. Seriously.

2009-02-12T19:30:00.000-05:00

I am continually surprised by the gall of some people.

Let me start at the beginning. About a year ago, an old friend needed help and I was more than willing to oblige. The financial agreement was formal so that the old adage of money comes between friends would not come to fruition. So, no worries throughout the first six months or so, then it came time for me to sever ties with this particular individual (“X”). (In retrospect, it was inevitable). At first I worried that this person would not follow through on the financial obligation, but my fears were proved wrong and all progressed smoothly. About three weeks ago, I received a phone call from X stating the last payment was coming up and X was going to see the obligation all the way through. In addition, the message also attempted to sweep the incidents that led up to our friendship ending under the rug. Due to the amount of exciting events that were going on in my life, I chose to not return X’s phone call. If all progressed to this last payment smoothly, why bother telling me you won’t flake out? Regardless of whether X was extending an olive branch or baiting me for whatever reason, I took neither and went on with my daily business that was far more important. So, the last payment was coming up and so I sent an email (always good to have these things documented) requesting confirmation of final payment be sent given that the final payoff amount was slightly different than the usual monthly payment that was made. Given the nature of the last voicemail I received, I wondered I would have to worry about the final payment. Again, X called and left a message explaining the situation, etc. Great, no worries, all would be worked out. You’d think X would have left it at that. Well, no. X had to send a follow up email, copying two other individuals to protect X’s interests. Um, what interests I had to wonder given that I was the one who would have been on the line for this financial obligation had X chosen to flake out. I kept the documented communication between X and I, there was no need to involve others under the guise of protecting my interests. I’m an adult, I know how to ensure obligations are upheld without needing the “protection” of others.

However, the most telling thing about X’s communication was the inability to keep personal feelings and emotion out of the business that remained. There was nothing personal about ensuring the financial obligation was kept. I took no personal stabs at X. I cannot say as much for X, whose email responses were laden with personal jabs and emotion. It seemed as though X thought that my own reasons for not communicating or continuing our friendship was in my head and that X was completely innocent. Odd how realities have the potential to be radically different, depending on the perspective.

But, seriously, that’s not the point. The point is that, there was a financial obligation. My goal was to ensure the financial obligation was upheld. Business is business. The reasons for our friendship being over or anything outside of the financial obligation is not relevant. However, it is clear that X does not view business in that manner. Rather, X had to deflect and bring emotion into the matter and attempt to bait me into further discussion, which would have been more like a “pissing” contest than anything else.

Perhaps by writing about it, I have been baited. However, it isn’t engaging in “contentious bullsh*t” (X’s words) that X attempted to start. It just shocks me that I could have been so wrong in the end, about someone’s integrity and character when it comes to a friendship. The passive-aggressive, narcisstic conduct from X just bores me. And to think that I almost . . . almost got swept up in it.

Perfection

2009-01-10T19:48:00.000-05:00

Perfection . . . is when you can't stop smiling. Is when you can feel the energy emanating from your soul partner. Is when you look at someone and know that he is the one. Is when you can't wait to come home at the end of the day and be with that one person. Perfection never ends if you just take the time to realize that you have to cherish each and every moment, don't worry about yesterday and don't fret about tomorrow. Just stay in the moment.

The night of January 9, 2009 will always be remembered as sheer perfection. For it is the night that the love of my life asked if I would be his wife. It could not have been a more stellar event. When I saw him at the beginning of the night, I fell in love with him just a little bit more. He looked absolutely handsome wearing my favorite tie. Then we climbed into a limo together to enjoy the evening. We pulled in front of the restaurant where we met approximately two and a half years ago. He led me to the very spot outside where we met and on bended knee, he asked if I would be his wife. For probably one of the few moments in my life, I was absolutely speechless. There were tears in my eyes, all I could do was shake my head vigorously up and down. Of course I would be his wife!!! When we got back into the limo, all I could think of was that I so wanted to call my father and share the good news with him. To be honest, I don't remember the last time I thought to call my father when something incredibly amazing happened. From there I called my closest girlfriends as my fiance and I headed towards one of our favorite places to have a drink before dinner - we were ahead of schedule.

Then came dinner - oh. my. heavens. Now, first off, we went to a place where I had gone numerous times before, but only for drinks and maybe a little snack. I had not had the opportunity to go there for a sit-down dinner in the restaurant section of the restaurant. As we approached our table, I saw a bottle of champagne on ice and then realized that we were in one of the few most spectacular tables in the restaurant. The table was along the perimeter of the restaurant where, had it been a little warmer, we would have been able to go right on to the balcony. The view was absolutlely incredible as well - we could see City Hall from our table. What a way to have a first dining experience at one of my favorite places for drinks. And then there was dessert. My fiance asked the chef to make a special dessert for me. It was amazing - different flavors of sorbet in chocolate cones with some sort of imaginative colored sugar creation on top of each scoop of sortbet. Then there was a small chocolate lava cake as well. Simply amazing.

I don't think I stopped smiling all night. Or the following day. Or even now. I am basking in the most amazing glow of happiness.

That night. The night I got engaged to the love of my life. Sheer perfection.

A time for reflection

2009-01-05T17:21:00.000-05:00

I have to say that for the first time in quite some time, I feel like all is the way it's supposed to be. It's a new year and I truly feel and believe that this is going to be a good one! Though the holidays kept me busy and away from my daily writing (or semi daily writing), it was a welcome break to spend time with friends and family.

Now that the rush has subsided and things went back to the routine today, I feel a sense of calm. A sense of peace. And I am looking forward to all that the coming year (and years) have to offer. As I posted before, I didn't really come up with any resolutions that involve things I will not do. Rather, I've listed in my head things that I want to do. Positive things that will have a good impact on me and/or those around me. I am looking forward to continuing my journey.

Reflecting upon this holiday season as compared to others, I must say that my life has changed drastically. But for the better. Much better. While some changes involved letting go of people, I am at peace with that decision. Some changes involve me adapting my way of thinking or reacting. And I look forward to continuing that growth. But, for once, there were no changes at my expense or detriment. I took off the rose-colored glasses and began to see situations, people and relationships for what they really were and effected change for my benefit. But the best thing about some of the reflecting I have done is that I have seen how wonderful the people in my life are - my future husband (nothing official yet, but it may as well be), my father, my brother, my friends. And it is through nothing that they have done this holiday or whatever . . . my revelations or thoughts were all a product of my own doing. This has all brought me such a sense of peace at the beginning of this new year.

I could sit here and compare and contrast where I was last year and where I am this year, but really . . . what's the point? Trust me when I say it would be a whole bunch of negatives of then and a whole bunch of positives for the present. Quite frankly, that's enough. That's all that needs to be said.

So, take a look around . . . take a moment to cherish the ones who love you (near or far). The ones who love and accept you for exactly who you are - flaws and all. That is what I chose to do as part of my own way of kicking off 2009 and it couldn't have brought me more peace or a bigger smile.

Happy New Year!

To do or not to do?

2008-12-30T09:15:00.000-05:00

As I was catching up on my favorite blogs, one talked about resolutions. And it got me thinking about past resolutions I had made. Some I did well with . . . others, not so much. One of the best ones I followed through with for an entire year was to not drink soda. And even now, I don't even drink that much soda. Others I did well with resulted in my no longer biting my nails, keeping my house neat and tidy . . . And there are others that I failed. Horribly.

Now, the season is upon us again for me to think about resolutions. In my opinion, I don't really want to set a resolution if I have no intention on following through. Or at least semi-succeed in following through. And to set a reasonably silly and easy resolution seems ridiculous and defeats the purpose of New Year's resolutions. At least in my opinion. Then, there's always the option of designating a specific something that I will do for a resolution as opposed to delineating a specific something that I will NOT do. But again, it would have to be something meaningful and worth following through with and not something mundane or ridiculously easy. I know that there are those who know me well who could think of a few "not to do" resolutions and I have contemplated those as my resolutions. Two, very obvious, ones would be positive changes . . . though I suspect that one just won't happen. At least not because it's freakin New Year's and tradition to come up with a resolution. I think I may, though, make a whole-hearted attempt to follow through with the other. For me, though, I would like something "to do" rather than "not do" as well. And I'd like it to be something for me. It doesn't have to be something big or even blog-worthy. But just a "to do" that would bring me happiness, peace or whatever.

What's your New Year's resolution?

It is ALL that!

2008-12-29T19:23:00.000-05:00

So, Christmas was great. It was the best Christmas I've had in eight years - I'm not kidding. Being with the love of my life, seeing family - it was all great. And the presents were just the icing on the cake! And, well, speaking of cake . . . the best present of ALL is my Kitchen-Aid Mixer. No joke! I've been wanting one of these FOREVER! And though I've made do thus far without one, since I've had the mixer . . . being in the kitchen baking and cooking has taken on a whole new meaning!

Christmas morning (the wee small hours of the morning) I was just gawking and drooling over the new mixer. It is so pretty - fire engine red. It looks so awesome in the kitchen, which has black, speckled granite countertops and backsplash. When I set it up later Christmas morning, I made fresh donuts and belgian waffles. I used the mixer for the donut batter . . . made my life sooo much easier! Next came my annual Christmas cookies - okay, so they were post-Christmas cookies. However, rather than the dough taking me at least twenty to thirty minutes to make . . . it took no more than fifteen minutes. And I just stood there pouring the ingredients into the mixing bowl. It couldn't have been any easier!!! I wasn't sure how using the mixer would affect the quality of the dough, but if it turned out crappy, I was just going to chuck the cookies. But, there was no need. They smelled delicious as they were baking. And when they came out of the oven, the firsts were absolutely incredible. The mixer did nothing to alter the quality of the cookies. Life was good! Then came Sunday dinner! I decided I was going to make a roast chicken with roasted garlic mashed potatoes and an angel food cake for dessert. Ok folks . . . I must be out of my mind because I was absolutely giddy while I was making the angel food cake batter. The mixer simplified my life dramatically and not to mention the particular recipe I used was not conducive without a mixer. And I could see why. There is no way my mere two hands would have been able to make the stiff peaks with one stage of the batter that was required. What a dream! Making the mashed potatoes . . . it was just too easy.

Yes, all this raving over a mixer. I love it and absolutely cannot wait until I use it again.

*Ponders what to bake next!*

If you believe in Santa Claus . . . DON'T read this! :o)

2008-12-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

Before the years of travelling to Taiwan for each Christmas, I remember the Christmases spent at home. We would pick out a fresh Christmas tree each year and I would help my mother decorate. I would help put on the ornaments that my brother and I made as well as the ornaments that special meaning . . . and the others that were just regular ornaments. We would put lights up around the house and the Christmas stockings were always hung on the stairwell rungs. And, each year, I suspect I tried to stay up as late as possible so that I could see Santa Claus. My mother and I would put cookies and milk out each year for Santa Claus as well as a well thought out note to Santa from me.

And then, one year, it happened. No, I didn't see Santa, silly. It was the year that I could read pretty well and in the morning, when I saw there was a note written from Santa, I think I told my parents that I wanted to read the note myself. You see, they usually read Santa's note to me, I never actually saw the note for any extended period of time. So, there I was, reading Santa's note over and over again. And I don't recall which time the familiarity struck me, but it did. Santa's handwriting was a combination my both my mother and father's handwriting! What was this?! I think I even said out loud to my parents that Santa's handwriting was a lot like theirs. And then there was the quiet hush that fell over the room - or wherever we were. I don't think they thought through the excitement I would realize that Santa's handwriting was JUST LIKE THEIRS. Ah well, so it goes. The bubble burst, though they tried to convince me otherwise. Santa was just my parents.

Funny, though, it didn't really alter any excitement I had for Christmas each year. In fact, for a while, it was a little joke between my parents and I that I knew they were Santa. They actually had to tell me to not go into school and say anything to the other kids. However, what came with learning that Santa didn't really exist came the age of me ransacking my parents' room around each and every Christmas to find the presents they were stashing for me and my brother. Hey, what kid didn't go searching for their Christmas presents?! If I recall correctly, they started getting really clever with stashing presents because once they knew I found their present hiding spot . . . they had to find a new one. And there did come a point where I couldn't find the presents.

I guess I'll have to be more clever when it comes to Christmas and my children. Should they believe in Santa Claus, I'll have to remember to use the computer or another medium to respond to any letters they write or leave for Santa. :o)

Merry Christmas all!

Yadda Yadda Yadda

2008-12-16T15:03:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting in a room full of predominantly men who just love to hear themselves talk. Why am I stuck in this room for the next two hours and forty five minutes? It's all part of the requirements for me to retain my license so I may stay gainfully employed. You'd think, though, after thousands and thousands of dollars, time spent, exams taken and job experience a person would have done enough to just be licensed for life. Nope, not so much. Each year, there is a minimum number of educational credits that MUST be earned in addition to paying the annual fee in order to renew my license. And the educational credits aren't even offered free or low cost. If the folks are volunteering their time to impart their knowledge on a particular topic to others, why the high fee for a course? What, to over copy costs? To cover the cost of the bagels/pastries and coffee provided? To cover the rent where the conference center is located? Here's are easy solutions: have the course materials available online for participants to download and print themselves. Don't provide coffee and simple breakfast items. Even the cost of rent and other admin fees across the board for each course as best as possible. But, seriously, to charge upwards of $100, $200 or more is just annoying. On top of eerything else I pay - I have to continue to pay high fees for educational credits.

See, the other thing about being in these conferences is that there are those select few who just love to hear themselves talk. Thus, rather than have knowledge imparted, I'm listening to someone get free advice about every detail of his situation. Quite frankly, that's not exactly what I came here for. Yeah, because I love having my time wasted by pompous men who love the sound of their own voices.

I guess today, at this moment in time . . . I'm feeling a little "bah humbug. "

The forbidden holiday drink

2008-12-11T14:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it's that time of year where we hear Christmas music everywhere, we see Christmas decorations everywhere and the frenzy of shoppers is abundant. It's also that time of year when I would love to curl in front of a warm, crackling fire with a warm cup of hot chocolate all snug in a blanket. Even better would be a mug of mint hot chocolate. Problem - hot chocolate as I prefer (made with milk) is no longer an option for me. Ah yes, I am a victim of lactose intolerance.

What's the big deal you may ask? Well, see, I have kind of gotten used to the fact that I can no longer have anything in which a dairy product is a major or close to sole ingredient. So, my favorite snack of extra sharp cheddar cheese and crackers is not an option for me. Most Italian foods are out of the question . . . which really stinks because I LOVE Italian food. I can, on occasion indulge in parmesan with balsamic vinegar. But, that must be done in extreme moderation. Apparently the more aged a cheese is, the better off I am if I'm going to indulge. So, yeah, nevermind my indulging in smoked gouda or a good, creamy brie. But I digress from the original woes me of the lack of hot chocolate. Now, don't get me wrong . . . there's nothing wrong with a good mug of Swiss Miss hot cocoa with the mini marshmellows. However, there's something missing when it's a packet of Swiss Miss . . . or a packet of whatever.

Nothing replaces a fresh mug of hot chocolate that was made with milk. I rediscovered this amazing drink about six years ago when I was at a Starbucks. Not only did they have hot chocolate . . . they were serving peppermint hot chocolate! I was totally excited. And it is so delicious. But, as the years ticked by, it became quite clear that my body was not pleased with my frequent indulgence of Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolate. Bummer. What a total bummer. I mean, seriously - winter, cold, snow falling . . . and I can't indulge in one of my favorite winter time drinks.

So, all of you who can have dairy products. If you like the combination of hot chocolate and peppermint . . . Starbucks makes a rockin peppermint hot chocolate. At least they used to. If they don't . . . that would kind of make me happy so I won't feel as though I'm missing out on anything.

However, seeing this: http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/sku7196991/index.cfm?cm_re=120908-_-Hero-_-Bialetti_Hot_Chocolate&cm_src=hphero I truly feel as though I'm missing out because I can't use this. *sigh*

Christmas Doggie

2008-12-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

Well, it is that time when Tenshi has a few different holiday kerchiefs to choose from. And then he must endure the picture taking time. As of now, he's lucky I didn't put reindeer antlers on him . . . though I am thinking about doing that! So, today is just a simple blog of holiday doggie pictures. Wonder if he thinks Santa Paws will visit him this year as I'm not sure if Santa Paws stopped at his old home last year . . .

"What's a Santa Paws??"

And well, happy holidays to all!

Cellphone Hell

2008-12-05T12:36:00.000-05:00

It’s all a scam. It’s all just a plot to annoy the hell out of the consumer. So, yesterday I go to Verizon as I’ve had one persisting issue with my Blackberry and, well, I just want to switch to a different phone altogether. I speak to a customer service rep who informs me that I am not eligible for my “New Every Two” upgrade as of yet. So, I will be unable to upgrade with the $100 credit. I’m TWO, yes, TWO months away . . . she couldn’t help me out? Whatever. Then, she informs me, though, that another option would be to do the annual upgrade thereby getting a new phone at the promotional 2-year contract rate, but I would be charged $20 AND I would lose my New Every Two $100 credit. You have got to be kidding me. Ok, so then I explain that I would like to get rid of the data access portion of my bill. Umm . . . that’s not possible, either. Ugh. I am the picture of frustration and annoyed at this point in time. So, fine. I then head to technical support to at least see if a person there is capable of resolving a persisting issue I’ve had with my phone ever since I had to get a “refurbished” one as a result of my original Blackberry dying – the screen went all sorts of crazy. Idiot there can’t do anything . . . so he puts me on the phone with customer service. Huh? Aren’t you customer service? Aren’t you the one who’s supposed to help? Whatever. Ok, so I’m on the phone with customer service . . . the rep explains to me that she has to set up a filter to solve my problem. Um, why is that? With my original Blackberry, I didn’t have this problem. Every other person I know with a Blackberry does not have this issue. Yet, she explains that it’s a common problem and one easily remedied. Oh, but she’ll have to create a username and password on the Blackberry website to set up the filter for my phone. Ok, seriously? I don’t believe her that this is a “common problem” AND I am in no mood to sit on the phone with a rather condescending sounding customer service representative solve a problem that shouldn’t exist in the first place. So, I hang up the phone. I’m so over this.

While standing there listening to the utter bullshit of the customer service rep, I did the math to see if it would be worth it to just sacrifice the New Every Two credit now and do what I originally wanted to do. According to the math, I would lose eight dollars if I bought a new phone, paid the $20 fee and changed plans. Staying right where I am right now for the next two months versus buying a new phone and changing plans boiled down to eight dollars. After leaving the store completely irritated and annoyed, I thought to myself, why am I making a big deal over eight dollars?! I was so ridiculously annoyed, though, that I couldn’t bring myself to go back into that damn store and get a new phone. Now, I’m determined to just wait out the two freakin months so that I don’t have to pay for a new phone when I downgrade my calling plan.

You’d think with the way the economy is, there would have been a little more desire to keep a long-term customer happy. But nooooooo, there is absolutely NO desire to do so. Would it have been so freakin difficult to just let me do the “New Every Two” upgrade now?! I have to sign up for 2-years anyway . . . I mean, it’s not like I’m 6 months away from being eligible to do so . . . whatever. Two more months and counting . . .

Be or don't be . . . there's no in between

2008-12-04T12:11:00.000-05:00

I very rarely comment on politics or hot topics where there are people who refuse to see any point of view other than theirs. However, one topic tends to come up repeatedly when discussing politics or current events with others that I now feel compelled to just put my view out there, so to speak.

Illegal immigration. Bottom line, in my opinion, it is wrong and should not be condoned or tolerated by our government. If one is going to come here to have opportunities available and benefit from the system . . . then do it properly. There is no reason why those who choose to come here illegally should receive any benefit. Ok, now before you start your retort, I am not saying that an illegal person should not be a victim of a horrendous crime and receive no protection or that this particular group doesn’t deserve anything. My position is that if you are aware of the fact that you are here illegally, your position should not be that you “deserve” or are “entitled” to each and every benefit that an American citizen, born or naturalized, receives. It doesn’t work that way.

My parents were emigrants. They were not from this country. The decision to come to the United States from China was based on the single desire to obtain an American education and create a life here. The difference between my parents and some others who choose to come here is that my parents did what they had to do to be here legally. They went through the proper channels, obtained the proper documents and came to the United States to study. When my parents decided to remain in the United States, they didn’t just stay here and do nothing about it. Again, my parents endured whatever process to become citizens of the United States. Without that, why should they benefit from all that a legal US citizen benefits from? It’s counter-intuitive. My parents learned the language, they were naturalized . . . they went through the process to become a part of a country they received the benefit of education from and a better life.

Now, there are thousands upon thousands of illegal immigrants who want “amnesty”, who want to find the easy way to remain in the United States. There are thousands upon thousands of illegal immigrants who were caught in the United States illegally, yet want to find protection to remain in the United States. Even those who initially came here seeking asylum have a process to go through in order to remain. Those who fell in love with a US citizen and married but are now divorced have a process to go through in order to remain. It’s not that the option isn’t available, it’s that there are those who deliberately choose to remain here illegally, take advantage of all this country has to offer, then want to balk when it comes to their status. Quite frankly, I don’t care how long you’ve been here . . . that doesn’t entitle a person who entered the country illegally to remain.

It offends all of those emigrants who came to this country and endured the process of what it takes to remain in this country. It offends me that there are groups of people who want to use my hard earned wages to pay for a process or program to grant illegal immigrants “amnesty” to remain in the United States. Call me cold-hearted, call me not understanding . . . call me whatever harsh names you choose. But, seriously, folks, the bottom line is that the folks who entered this country, and those who continue to enter this country illegally, have no business doing so. It diminishes all that those who have emigrated to this country endured. It diminishes the notion of being a United States citizen. It denies processes that have been in place for decades and that were in place for a reason.

If US citizens are expected to their part for this country . . . then those who want to be in the United States should be expected to do theirs.

A gal and her pup

2008-12-03T15:22:00.000-05:00

So, it's coming up on a year since I rescued, fostered then adopted this amazing Akita. He was an emaciated, approximately 8 month puppy who entered the SPCA as an owner-surrender. According to the paperwork that came with the pup, the owners stated they were surrendering him because they could not afford to keep him anymore. Well, that could not have been clearer. Every rib bone was protruding on either side of his body and his bones at the base of his spine were protruding as well. Had his owners not surrendered him to the shelter when they did . . . who knows how much longer this poor pup would have survived in the conditions in which he was living.

When this scared, hungry, untrusting pup came into my home, he was undoubtedly shocked. There was a warm bed for him, a "cave" of his own, food and water. And an abundance of human contact and love. Then came an abundance of toys thrust upon him to help erase the horrors of his past. But more than anything, this pup was showered with love and affection. And before I knew it, this pup stuck to me like glue. Everywhere I went in my home, he had to follow - even if it was just one area to another area. And if he didn't follow immediately, his eyes followed me until he couldn't see me anymore, then he would be right there behind me.

As new people came into my home, he was very unsure of them. He often would position himself in between me and others. To me, I think that was more out of fear and nervousness than any instinct in him to protect or guard. He would do this even upon meeting people outside the four walls of our home.

When this pup entered my life, I wasn't exactly in the best of places, either. And having his presence in my home was great because there was always another presence. I was never really alone. And I enjoyed being in my home with this pup. We were learning new things together, I was training him to become a Canine Good Citizen . . . in a way, we were growing together. To my pleasure, he was growing sideways as well. To see the weight come back to his body and see him healthy was amazing. To see him as an eight month old puppy and growing each day was awesome. To see him change and learn new things brought me much happiness.

Almost eleven months ago, I was unsure of where I what was doing with my life. The concern for me was more about my personal life than anything else. I ended a relationship that, to me, was going nowhere. We had gone as far as we could go. And it saddened me that there were so many unfulfilled promises. So many empty words. It was winter, cold . . . I felt like there was little in my life that brought real joy or a renewed sense of purpose to me. I was stuck. Then came along this incredibly sweet, docile puppy who needed a home as much as I needed a renewed sense of purpose. I was incredibly excited to bring him into my home, but nervous at the same time. What if I really didn't know what I was doing . . . what if he wasn't happy with his new home . . . what if . . . I brushed aside those what ifs and welcomed this pup with open arms. He brought joy and excitement to my life along with an incredible amount of lessons. And those lessons weren't just how to deal with an Akita. He brought structure and purpose to my life. He brought new people to my life. He brought a new sense of confidence into my life.

It's been almost a year since this amazing puppy has been with me. I've seen him transform from a scared, untrusting, malnourished puppy to a dog with a sense of purpose. He still exhibits those puppy traits sometimes, but he has truly transformed into a trusting, loyal protector that managed to find a way to remain docile and silly at the same time. He has seen his owner transform from an unsure, nervous akita-owner to a confident handler who has come a long way to finding herself. Again. He has seen his owner continue developing into a responsible, assertive, strong woman.

This is dedicated to my amazing Akita, Tenshi. His name means "angel." And that is, in fact, exactly what he is. And though I often hear that he was definitely rescued and changed by me, the same could be said of what he did for me. Neither Tenshi nor I are the dog or person that we were almost a year ago. So really . . . did I rescue him? Or did he rescue me?

__________________________________

If you are interested in learning more about akitas and the rescue from which Tenshi is from, please visit www.akitarescuewny.com.

Caffeine IV, please!

2008-12-01T08:25:00.000-05:00

So the excitement of Thanksgiving has worn off and after an extremely tiring week . . . I soo need a weekend to recover. I thin k the past nine days aged me nine years and stressed me out to the point that I think I'll need another nine days just to recover. Visiting parent with his wife, parents meeting parents, dealing with the quirks and habits of an 8o+ year old parent in less than 1400 square feet that is a loft styled home . . . all of that, the normal day to day routine closed out on the 9th day with PMS - just how do you think I'm doing? My cupboards are empty, my laundry is getting done (slowly), only portions of the hardwood floors are cleaned and it took me two days to empty an entirely full dishwasher. Every time I had a moment to sit down in my home once it was mine again, all I could manage to do was cop a squat on the couch, curl up and sleep. Or read, quickly followed by sleep. I just want sleep. Ok, maybe someone going to the market for me would be helpful as well. Admittedly, though, it was nice to not have to cook this Thanksgiving. A first meeting of parents was more than enough for me to handle, let alone cook a full meal. Though, that would have given me a great distraction.

So, now the next to come is Christmas. I won't have visitors. I don't think there will be another parental gathering. Though Thanksgiving was great and fun . . . I hope that I won't need continual naps following Christmas Day!

Internet Frustration

2008-11-26T08:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, seriously, folks . . . why is it you can do just about ANYTHING on the internet with respect to paying bills, ordering stuff, etc. EXCEPT for cancelling service or good? It seems as though the minute I want to cancel a membership/account, there's no link on the website and you have to either call or email the company. And in most cases, the requirement is to call. Seriously? Why? I don't understand that! Well, actually I do, but it's ridiculously counter-intuitive and counter-productive because it makes me dislike the _________ even more and leaves me less likely to come back. Ever. It only seems right to me that if there is an option to sign up for a service ONLINE that there should be an option to cancel that service ONLINE as well. Why make it so freakin difficult so that consumers will just say "F it" and not cancel? That doesn't breed happiness or satisfaction with a company. It's like all the customer service calls that are now answered by people who CLEARLY do not live in the United States and are CLEARLY following a script and have no idea how to handle a caller when the call doesn't go as scripted.

I just spent 15 minutes scouring a particular website because I wanted to put my future shipments on hold. Indefinitely. When I signed in and went to what I naturally thought would be the right link to click on - nope, no option to put shipments on hold. Why the F not??? Ok, so I proceed to click on just about every link that could remotely be helpful and, again, no help to be found. Now, when I first signed on, all I wanted to do was put things on hold. NOW? NOW I want to completely cancel my membership and tell these folks to go F themselves because there should be an option to put things on hold. I mean, you want to retain consumers? Well, make things a little easier for the consumer, not more difficult!

Whoever thought the dawn of the internet would bring good things wasn't exactly correct.

Gobble gobble!

2008-11-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

And here we are . . . another holiday season is now upon us. Break out the mistletoe, even though we haven't had turkey yet! To me, Thanksgiving was always about huge family gatherings and a lot of food. More food than a group of people should even have. I'm not joking. Then, there was the Thanksgiving tradition that was somehow started with all the cousins - we got kicked out of whoever's house we were at and go see a movie. So here are 10+ cousins ranging from ages 12 to 18 going to the movies after we've just gorged ourselves on a ridiculous amount of food. Sitting in a movie theater for over 1.5 hours wasn't always appealing. But, we were together and having fun. Usually.

Then, Thanksgiving turned into a weird event for me because eight years ago my mother decided she'd had enough of being sick and going through rounds of chemo and passed away. No, I'm not being flip, but I honestly believe my mother went out the way she wanted to. I mean, she made sure all the arrangements were made for the entire family gathering at our house and then she passed away 2 days before Thanksgiving. But, after that, Thanksgiving was just another reminder of losing my mother. After that, it was hard for me to find any joy in the freakin holiday.

Now, Thanksgiving will have a whole new meaning. Though there is some trepidation with regard to this particular Thanksgiving (my father is meeting my boyfriend's family), I realize that I am excited for all the good things that are to come. And I really don't care that the holiday decorations are up and I haven't even had the slightest bit of turkey yet.

So, I sit and think . . . what am I thankful for? I have incredibly wonderful father. I have a boyfriend who I just can't wait to marry and spend the rest of forever with. I have the cutest dog ever and friends who I love to pieces. I have my health, a home and a job. I really couldn't ask for more. And what I could ask for, no one but me will be able to provide. And I don't even have to ask for my mother to be here because she already is.

It's heeerrreeeeee

2008-11-21T08:12:00.000-05:00

Hot cocoa . . . sitting by a crackling fire . . . snuggling under a blanket watching a good movie . . . sitting by the window watching the snow fall. These are all things that came to mind this morning as I drove to work. In the city, there were a few snow showers, but nothing to get all excited about. However, as I travelled further on the highway . . . the scenery changed and there was snow on the grass creating the beginnings of a great winter sight. (I love the snow, hate to drive in it, though).

Though I dislike being cold, seeing the seasons change is absolutely incredible. To slightly freeze is almost worth it because then I have the opportunity to breath in the fresh, crisp air. And if I have my dog with me, then the fit of laughter I fall into watching him romp around in the snow and nose-dive is worth it.

The worst part, though, about winter and the snow that it brings is driving. Seriously, there are some drivers who should not be permitted to drive when it's snowing. Why, oh why must you drive less than 50 mph in the left lane when the temperature is above freezing and the white stuff falling from the sky is not even sticking? If your choice is to drive that way . . . then please, I beg you, please move out of the left lane. There are drivers out there who aren't afraid of the snow (or lack thereof). There are drivers out there who dare to drive above 55 mph in sun, rain or snow!

So, nevermind the beauty of winter or the chill in the air . . . it's the drivers who are afraid to drive in the snow that let me know winter is here.

Customer service? HA!

2008-11-19T11:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, before I start, let me just say . . . I've worked in varying customer service type jobs. Those were choices I made. So, if I'm going to work in that arena, then it's my obligation to treat customers with a smile, respect and common courtesy. It's my freakin job! Thus, I have little sympathy for those in the customer service industry who choose to be obnoxious, rude and/or disrespectful to clientele. Seriously, if you're going to go in that industry, you have an obligation to conduct yourself in a certain manner.

Here's the story . . . I was travelling on USAir on Sunday night. And lo and behold the flight was ridiculously full. By the time I and my travelling companion boarded the plane - there was no overhead space for our carry-on luggage. This was made perfectly clear by the flight attendant who said, "Sir, if the bins are closed, they're fully." Mind you, her newsflash was chock full of attitude and resentment that she had to work. Ok, so as people are still boarding and we are still looking for somewhere to put our luggage, it's becoming increasingly difficult. We attempt to place the more important luggage in the overhead space just behind us . . . the flight attendant says, "It won't fit." Again, chock full of snide. Guess what?! It does fit. So SHUT IT! Ok, so now on to the second bag . . . well, it's not going anywhere. So, it must be checked. Kindly, my travelling companion says to the flight attendant, "Since this cannot be stored above, it needs to be checked. Will you help us with that." She basically responds no, she won't. Or can't. Or whatever, but seriously, she makes NO effort, whatsoever to help. So, fine. There's no where for us to put the bag, so it's in the aisle. I mean, seriously, where are we supposed to put it?? We do move it or try to when people are trying to get to their seat (behind us). Then we hear flight attendant B say, "You can't leave your bag in the aisle." Uhhh, where are we supposed to put it, then? You aren't willing to help us find a place to put it and clearly you are in better position to move about. But, ok, you don't want to help. So then flight attendant B is taking other luggage to the front to be checked. We say to him, "Would you please take this bag to the front so it may be checked as well?" "You'll have to wait, I can only take two at a time." He says this, accompanied by a most obnoxiously loud sigh. Yeah. Ok, that's great. My luggage is going to be sent to Siberia.

So, after this whole fiasco is over and I've received the tag for my checked luggage, we are marvelling at just how rude these flight attendants were. To the point where others around us felt the need to tell my travelling companion that he was not out of line and that they were impressed with the level of composure he was able to maintain. Seriously, I wanted to knock the damn teeth out of both flight attendants.

The good news is that my luggage did not end up in Siberia.

It's my turn

2008-11-14T08:22:00.000-05:00

And a Happy Friday to everyone!

Today was a much better start to my day. And, well, in fact it got even better while driving to work. How that happens is a mystery sometimes, but today . . . I know exactly why and I'm loving the fact that my day actually got better while going to work! So, I saw a billboard on my drive advertising that one of the local radio stations is now playing Christmas music 24/7. Yes, I said Christmas music. Now, mind you, I'm the one who grumbled to my significant other just a few weeks ago while we were at the mall because the Christmas tree was up and all that. What makes such a difference - before Halloween and after Halloween? Perhaps. But, whatever the case may be, I quickly turned to the radio station to hear "Angels We Have Heard on High" - and before I knew it . . . this ridiculously cheesy smile was plastered on my face and I'm driving down the road singing along as loud as I possibly could. I'm sure every driver that saw me thought I was insane. (I don't think I'd argue that minute point!). Seriously, though . . . I LOVE Christmas. I love everything about it - the music, the decorations, the lights, Santa, the cards and the few presents that I get to rip open. I love the smells, baking and family time, though I don't get much of that nowadays with my own nuclear family. Which brings me to my lesson of the day for myself.

I've spent the past few weeks in a funk. A serious funk. No joke. I think if I had been on the outside looking in on me in my life, I'd have dressed me in a straightjacket and headed right for the padded cell. But, what occurred to me is that this holiday season will mark the first where I will start traditions or whatever with the man who I'm madly in love with and am going to marry (no, we're not engaged yet, but I know I'm marrying him). It's my turn . . . it's my turn to share all that I love about the holidays with my own family. My brother and father - they'll always be my family but since life takes some unexpected turns, it may be some time before the three of us spend a holiday together. And while that makes me sad . . . I am fortunate to know that in my life stands a man who can't wait for the very same thing as me - to do "our" own thing on whatever holiday or whatever day. So it's time to rock out the cookie cutters and all the holiday cheer!

Now there's a holiday gift and lesson for me to embrace!

Serenity Now

2008-11-13T09:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, so . . . I really don't know how things could have gotten any worse this morning. Nothing like closing the front door before going on a casual stroll with my pup and realizing that my house keys are in the house. What's the big deal you may ask? Well, the big deal is that I habitually lock the doorknob from the inside before I leave. Yeah, so there we were, my pup and me standing in the hallway. Me thinking, "Oh SH*T" to myself. Nevermind the FIASCO it took for me to finally get back in the house . . . writing that would be equivalent to writing Gone With the Wind, so I'll spare you that craziness. Let's just say I didn't re-enter my house until well after an hour had passed by. But, at least the pup got a chance to do his business while I was fuming. You'd think after locking myself out of my house ONCE and spending $80 to get back in, I'd have learned my lesson. Well, I had . . . But, thinking you have your keys when you don't while still a little tired and not caffeinated yet can really mess with a person's mind.

But, see, it gets even BETTER. As I'm outside with the dear sweet pup, I learn that most people are not exactly attentive drivers in the morning. Everyone's already on auto-pilot by the time they get in their car to commute to work. And I say this because at least four drivers attempted to turn or run a red light as I was walking through the intersection (and I wasn't jay-walking, I assure you). So, by the time the pup and I are almost home, my voice is hoarse because I've proceeded to cuss out every person who nearly took my life or my dog's life.

It's now been almost four hours since I've been awake and I've managed to lock myself out of my house, almost get seriously injured due to other people's stupidity, shake my head furiously at the idiot drivers while driving to work because they refuse to cede the left lane (despite driving 55 mph or below) and I'm barely caffeinated.

If it's five o'clock somewhere, may I please start happy hour?

Right to Choose

2008-10-29T14:05:00.000-04:00

Why is it that someone needs to be "set straight" if the choice is not to vote for Barack Obama? It is someone's personal choice based on whatever factors or information one wants to base it on. I mean, I'm sure there are people who will not vote for Barack Obama based on fear or misinformation as well.

No one should have the right to judge and feel as though someone needs to be "set straight" because their opinion is different. Not voting for Obama is neither "right" nor "wrong". I have found that this year in particular, everyone is free to have their own opinion UNTIL it's discovered that his or her vote will not be for Barack Obama. However, when someone tells a republican canvasser or caller or whomever that he/she is not voting for McCain, no one feels as though s/he has to judge that person OR set them straight.

Don't leave without saying something

2008-10-23T09:41:00.000-04:00

If there's one thing I have truly come to dislike, I'd have to say it is driving. I spent so many years being so anxious about the privilege of driving, that I remember the minute I turned 16, I didn't want to drive anymore. Much like having fun with drinking and smoking, I got out the urge to drive bug before I was an official licensed driver. There's nothing like your parents expecting you to now do all the errands or drive them places to take the fun out of driving. Seriously, who wants to drive their mom to the market on a Friday night?!

As the years passed, driving turned into so much of a necessity - to get to the market, to go to the doctor, to go engage in retail therapy . . . to go to work. The last is where I tend to either want to commit mass homicide because of all the slow drivers in the left lane or drive relaxed with or without thinking about a million things. There is rarely a day when I drive the commute to or from work where I truly enjoy the driving experience in and of itself. I've enjoyed the drives, but usually because I've had some revelation, resolved some sort of issue or just had quiet time to myself. I used to catch up on my phone calls while driving, as my commute tends to be at least thirty minutes, but I stopped those because some times those phone calls would stress me out even more. I think the worst part about commuting a long distance is that there is the potential to see trauma on the road.

Take this morning for example. No more than fifteen minutes into my drive, there was the most incredible back up. I immediately switched to an AM radio station to get the traffic report. The report was that there was a multiple car accident, one of which was over-turned, and traffic was at a stand still. And they weren't joking when they said traffic was at a stand still. I did not move one inch for about ten to fifteen minutes. Then after that, I was crawling. When I came upon the accident . . . it was bad. The cars that I saw were smushed in, doors dented, wheels all lopsided . . . I couldn't help but stare.

Then I thought . . . that is one of the many reasons I need to slow down and smell the roses. And also one of the many reasons why when I leave a loved one, I always tell him or her some sentiment - usually it's "I love you." I don't ever hang up the phone or leave someone without some token of affection, even if it's as mundane as "be careful." For me, I don't ever want (what could be) my last words to someone to be words of anger, frustration or sadness. Nor do I want it to be a case of having said nothing.

This is one of the many lessons have I learned as I've gone through adulthood. What I always think of when I don't end a conversation on a good note, leave somewhere on a good note or be left on a good note is a story an old friend of mine told me about a brief exchange she had with her father as she was leaving the house. The short of it is, they got into an argument, they were both pretty angry with each other. Before slamming the door, she says something to the effect of "F you" to her father . . . her father died before she saw him again.

Now, I've never gone to that extreme and I'm not saying that anyone else I know or don't know would go to that extreme. But what I do know is that harsh or unspoken words will cause a lot of unresolved feelings and guilt if the opportunity to clean that up never happens.

So, always think about how you want to leave things and what you want to say. You never know what will happen when you or someone else walks out the door or hangs up the phone.

Change - it's not such a bad thing

2008-10-22T09:34:00.000-04:00

So, as a kid, I was always one of those who hated change. Well, who wouldn't when there's a major life change on a Monday morning when being dropped off at school? Yeah, that's when I learned that my father was changing jobs. Not such a big deal, right? His new job was in Philadelphia. We lived in Pittsburgh. So, that's when it started - my father went back and forth from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia from the time when I was in fourth grade until the decision was made that we would move to Philadelphia. That happened 5 years later. (This event in and of itself is enough to fill pages and pages. That's for another day.) In my mind, at the age of 9 (I think), that was a bad change and it kicked off my fear of change that has gone on and on. It was today, while reflecting the time I spent drinking coffee that I realized change is not always indicative of a bad thing.

How could change always be a bad thing when it may lead to a better job, different friends, marriage, etc.? It can't possibly, right? What is so "bad" about change is not the actual event or thing that it leads to, but rather the feeling of the unfamiliar. Or the feeling of the familiar that went sour. Today, though, I can say that I am excited about change. Every day has been some sort of change or small adaptation that is leading to the most incredible event and if I remember to look at everything with "the glass is half full" view, it's not hard to forget that this change, this life-altering change will be the most incredible one yet. And even better, it'll be the best one yet.

Don't get me wrong, I have to consciously remind myself to have this kind of attitude. I have to remind myself to have "the glass is half full" attitude or else it is far too easy to get wrapped up in all the things that are changing and have a negative outlook. Or think that what I've done isn't good enough. Not good enough?! Sheesh, if I know I put a lot of thought into something and didn't do it half-way, who is anyone to tell me that what I've done isn't good enough? It is exactly this attitude that I need to keep at the forefront of my mind to remember that yes, change can be a good thing. Some days it is just too easy to get caught up in playing victim, thinking that someone is trying to be controlling because they want certain things changed or that I'm just not good enough, therefore someone wants change. Change me. But those two things don't go hand in hand. They aren't inter-connected or dependent upon each other. Change and me changing are two totally different issues. You may think - duh, no sh*t, sherlock - everyone knows that. Here's the thing - not everyone believes in that notion. And that is HUGE. And, even moreso, while it is a common understanding that events in our lives are building blocks, the purpose or the lesson of each block isn't easily identifiable or something that wants to be identified for whatever reason.

So, before I go off on too many tangents and forget the real purpose of this post . . . change. It's not the devil. At least not always. And this gal is finally at a point where she can't wait for some of the changes on her horizon!

Leave Out All the Rest

2007-05-23T10:17:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday, I'm driving home after a long day listening to "Minutes to Midnight" and before I know it, tears are streaming down my face. I notice, though, these are happy tears. When I realize the reason why I'm crying, it dawns on me that this is the first time in almost seven years that I've been able to shed happy tears. The lyrics I hear in the background . . . "When my time comes / Forget the wrong that I've done / Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don't resent me / And when you're feeling empty / Keep me in your memory / Leave out all the rest / Leave out all the rest."

Background: my mother passed away November 22, 2000 after a long, painful battle with lung cancer. Now, here's the thing, I didn't exactly have the greatest relationship with my mother. In fact, if you put the two of us in a room, what seemed like World War III would erupt no less than five minutes later. Don't ask me why or how . . . it's just how it was between my mother and I. And when she was sick and, well, dying, neither of us really tried to meet halfway. Though I really have no excuse . . . I always thought I would have more time to resolve and mend our relationship.

Needless to say . . . closure has been very difficult for me. I've struggled each year around the holidays and even moreso on Mother's Day. However, I think that yesterday could have been a pivotal moment for me. I realized that in the aftermath of my mother's passing, I've been doing exactly what was stated in the song and that there's nothing wrong with that. There are family members who just can't understand why it's been so difficult for me because it was clear as day that I wasn't around much . . . but in that, comes the struggle of the pain of my mother not being around anymore. And I've long sinced realized that it doesn't matter what the status of our relationship was before she was gone. The fact is - she was my mother.

Funny, though . . . in the face of losing a loved one, you really don't have to forget all the wrong they've done. It's almost instinctual to do so. And I don't think it's necessarily because it's wrong to think ill of the dead. What do you think?

Dreams

2007-05-23T09:29:00.000-04:00

So, I wake up this morning quite out of sorts. I had this dream . . . but I can only remember parts of it. This is what I remember: was somewhere with friends from when I used to live in VA . . . there was something about tennis matches, I think I was playing in one of them . . . then something about trying to catch a cab in a completely unfamiliar place and I was all alone. I finally hailed this cab that two people tried to hop into and then when I finally got into the cab, there was someone already in there (I think I knew the person) and then the cab drove to . . . I don't know where I was going. And then I woke up.

It seemed like I woke up quite abruptly to the point where I couldn't think of what day it was and what time it was. Oddly, part of my surroundings seemed unfamiliar even though I had woken up in the same place for over five months now. I used to analyze my dreams and look for the meaning. I haven't done that in quite some time. At times, when my dreams are in an unfamiliar place, I will later (could be in a week, a month or a year) find myself in that place with the people in the dream. However, this dream tends to be a mix of things. Regardless, I can't seem to shake this feeling of uneasiness and confusion that resulted from my dream.

I shared this with a good friend and was told that (1) it was pretty deep and (2) I should write it down as well as the feelings.

What could these random recollections from my dream(s) could mean?